Posted in My feelings, Vanilla

I am a horrible blogger…

I have not written on here in years. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I wish I would have remembered I had this as a place to take note of it all. I see that I still have viewers occasionally so thank you for those that have visited.

If any of my old readers see this, I finally got my second child. He just turned 15 months and he is wonderful.

On a sadder note, I lost my mom the same time I was getting my miracle pregnancy. I would like to do a whole other post on that when it’s not so late.

If you are a past reader hello again, and if this is your first post you are reading then hello for the first time. I need this blog right now.

Posted in Vanilla


I have been going through quite a bit lately and these words came to me and needed to be wrote down. It’s supposed to be a poem and I’m not sure if it is written correctly but here it is….

The thoughts whisper in my head,
Like voices on the wind.
They race through faster and faster,
As if they’re cars on a track.

The words are vile poison,
Spewing words of self hate.
Nothing, worthless, fat, disgusting,
Echoing on an endless repeat.

I see no signs of it slowing,
So what options are left?
Do I give in and jump,
To finally quiet the torture?

I come to a crossroad,
Two paths are before me.
To my left I see relief,
A sweet slip into eternal slumber.

But I barely glance before I turn,
And start towards my right.
Before me is the tallest mountain,
And at the peak I see my life.

Posted in Kink

Filling in the blanks

I believe I have mentioned here before that I was, at one time, in an abusive relationship. I was only 16-17 years old, and had no idea what I wanted or craved at that time. Before I continue, I in no way believe that our relationship was healthy. But, having said that, I have found out some things about myself.

I went to my counselling session earlier this week with things on my mind that I wanted to discuss. I recently have been having dreams about getting back with this particular ex. I also have been having flashbacks of things that had happened between us.

Some things about the relationship I can’t help but think were desirable to me. The way things happened were really similar to a typical M/s dynamic. I had rules and if they were broken I was punished. And, after some thought about it, I realize that even then, so young, I craved the control and calming of being punished for wrong doing and havng the peace that came after.

As I said before, this was not a consensual thing. I didn’t ask for, or even know about BDSM at that point in my life. But I think that deep down, I knew my wants were different from my friends.

Even then, I knew that I needed things to be different for me. And I find myself wondering that if I had known about BDSM back then, would it have played out differently? And also, did what happen then shape my wants and desires that I have today? Do I enjoy that rush of submission simply because it was all I knew at one point?

I guess at this point it doesn’t really matter whether it shaped me. But looking back, I wouldn’t change one thing about that part of my life. I live with no regret of that part of my life. No, it was not a healthy relationship. It has taken almost 8 years to get past some things, but I’m also filled with anxiousness at the thought that I enjoyed it. I question whether I am in it for the right decision. It definitely feels right, so I must like it for more than what was.

This is something that I plan to discuss more next session, but until then gives me plenty of things to think about.

Posted in Kink


I follow quite a few blogs on here. One of which is someone I especially enjoy reading. I would mention her here but I’m not sure how to do it with my phone. So I apologize for that.

Recently, she has been talking about public spankings. I had commented telling her how it has always been a fantasy of mine to he spanked and taken in hand in a public place. But, after thinking about, I realize that I have been spanked in front of others. It wasn’t a public place per say, but it was in front of a trusted friend that knew about my relationship.

It was not long after M moved here, he said we needed to take care of things with said friend. The back story to that is before M moved up here, he had given me permission to drink with this friend at her house. The conditions from both M and her Sir were that we were not to get too drunk. Well, that seemed like a good thing to agree to at the time. Now my friend and I have been friends since we were 5, so we tended to go a little overboard with our nights sometimes. This night was no exception. Long story short, we drank way too much that night and we were in trouble.

Her Sir and M were both very dissapointed in us, and decided that since we did the deed together we should be punished together. Since M wasn’t here at the time, she got her punishment before me. But I was told I had to kneel and watch it happen. So I obeyed and did just that.

About a week or so later M came up to live with me. We went to my friend’s house for my part of the punishment.

Thankfully, I wasn’t made to take anything down. But he did have me place my hands on the wall and spread my legs a little. He spanked me with his belt. I can’t remember now how many it was. What I do remember is the humiliation that came from not only my friend watching, but her Sir also. After my punishment I had to apologize to her Sir for both my behavior and for disrespecting his home.

Part of me hated that embarrassment of others seeing. But part of me was very turned on. I don’t know how it is for others when they are spanked, but I always get very wet. This was not any different. Even though I am not a fan of the pain aspect much, and am a huge squirmer, certain parts are traitors and enjoy it.

M always likes to feel to see how wet my spankings make me. My brain says one thing, but my body says another. There is a little bit of humiliation involved with that also. And I both love and hate that.

So thank you for the inspiration for the post. And thank you readers for coming to read.

Posted in Kink, Rant

People that judge

I was on fetlife tonight and came across a group about kinky play vs abuse. I looked through it expecting to find an informed person trying to help people differentiate between the two.

What I saw instead was a girl with a personal vendetta. Now I’m not saying I blame her for feeling the way she did. Apparently her sister was in an abusive relationship and when she tried to leave he killed her. So yes, I can understand why she would be upset about abuse. But to come on a site like fetlife and accuse everyone that was physical with their significant other of being abusive is completely unfair.

As I habe mentioned before I was in an abusive relationship for 8 months. It was in no way consensual or wanted. Was that abuse? Yes.

Now, I have been with M  for almost 3 years now. I’m sure that to someone that is not into what we do would think it is abuse. But it is not. Are there some similarities between what my ex did and what M does? Yea, but the very huge difference here is consent.

I gave my consent to M to be my master. I entered into a relationship with him as his slave with a sound mind. I knew what I was getting into. Honestly, I looked forward to the pain aspect.

Normally, I keep quiet and just silently lurk on posts. But this instance made me angry. For someone to sit there and say that even if I did consent I was obviously not mentally capable of making that decision. And that anyone that enjoyed inflicting pain was an abuser hiding behind the pretense of kink. That is ridiculous.

Are there people that abuse the concept of bdsm for their own issues? Yes, but the same can be said for any type of relationship.

Another thing that bothered me was she was insinuating that how far is too far. How long would it be before the top snapped and actually killed the bottom. That is also an insult to not only the top, but to the bottom. Most people in these relationships go into them knowing their partner. To jump into any relationship, be it kinky or otherwise, is very risky. There has to be trust established before just handing your control over to someone else. You give your consent to someone that you know is not a serial killer.

That’s what I never understood about people like her and the ones that say things like “What if he decides to cut your arm off, do you consent to that?” Well I seriously hope that you would not put yourself into the control of someone you felt was capable of wanting to do that. That should be a no brainer that you don’t consent to that. If that even has to be a question asked of a person then my advise is to run far far away.

I just wish that those people would stop their protests long enough to do some research and actually talk to the “poor, helpless slaves” that they think need rescuing. I am in no need of a rescuer. Actually if anything I need someone to talk M into doing a little more beating over here. 🙂

Posted in Vanilla

Happy birthday to me

Well, I’m officially 25 today. A lot has happened in the last year. Some nice and others not so nice. I’ve been a little down the past couple days, so I’m hoping that today goes well and lifts my spirits. These are the days that I miss having friends. I would love to go out and have a fun night singing karaoke and drinking a little.

Posted in Vanilla

A small story

So my bday is next Friday and I was telling M that I really wanted to go to the club again. I’m not sure if we can go but it made me think of a little story. I figured I could write it and see how you who still read here like it.

Sara was excited she got to go to the club again. It had been a rough few weeks for her and Tyler. They never seemed to be on the same page anymore. With work and meetings and dealing with family issues, there always seemed to be more tension than not. She knew he was not happy with her attitude lately either. But hopefully this night would turn things around.
She had just finished lacking her corset when he walked into the bedroom.
“I don’t want any arguments tonight. Do you understand?”
She turned around and nodded while enjoying the shiver that always came when he talked to her in that tone. That was part of why she enjoyed being his submissive. He knew exactly how to get to talk to get her into her place. She had missed that, and knew she hadn’t held to her side of things.
They left a few minutes later,and she was setting out to be on her best behavior. Sara knew how much he hated public scenes and didn’t want to say anything that may start a fight.
They arrived at the club and she took his coat and hers and went to go hang them up. When she got back she saw he had run into one of his friends from work. She stepped up beside him and waited for him to finish. But before long a quick worse turned into 20 minutes of discussing how the last meeting went. She glared at him and cleared her throat.
“One second Sara and I promise I’ll be right back to just us.”
She sighed and waited like he said. After another 10 minutes she was beyond irritated. She stomped over to the bar and ordered a drink. One drink turned into 3 and she knew she was at her limit he allowed when they were out. She turned in his direction and saw he was still talking. So she turned back and ordered a couple more.
By the time she stood up she was drunk and pissed. She swayed over to him and demanded his attention.
“You promised we would have this night to ourselves, and instead you just blow me off to discuss stupid business things with people you see every day. Fine, if you want to talk to them then I’m just gonna go have my own fun. Who cares about your stuffy old clients anyway.”
She knew she was being irrational but she didn’t care. He calmly excused himself and took her over to a corner of the club.
“Are you drunk? After I’ve told you repeatedly about getting this intoxicated while we are out. Not only that, but you embarrass me in front of my colleagues. You have been completely out of line the past couple weeks and I’m getting tired of the disrespect. If you don’t stop this right now you will regret it.”
She looked up at him and knew she should just let it go and do as he said, but the alcohol had her temper flared.
“Who cares! You won’t do anything to me while we are here and we both know it. I want what you promised. You are supposed to be tending to my needs and all you care about is your stupid work.”
“You’re right Sara, I have been neglecting your needs . But that is something I clearly need to remedy.”
He grabbed her by the back of her hair while innocently grabbing the nape of her neck. He stepped over to the sets of couches along the wall and dragged her down beside him.
“Sara I have warned you about acting this way in public because you know how I despise these scenes. But if you want a scene I will be more than happy to oblige.”
Before she realized his intent he grabbed her arm and drug her over his knee. She quickly reached out and braced her hands on the floor so she didn’t topple over. He quickly lifted her dress up past her panties.
“This is what disobedient girls get when they want to act like a petulant child”
He started spanking each cheek in quick succession. When she attempted to sit up he quickly held her back down and wrapped his leg over the back of hers. After a few more smacks he stopped. She was relieved for a moment until she realized he was pulling down her panties also. She was completely shocked and embarrassed at the fact everyone could see her being spanked.
“How about we make this ass match the red in your checks right now? Maybe now you will learn to obey me when I te you things.”
He then proceeded to do what he said and didn’t stop spanking her until her ass was the same deep flushed color her face was. By that time she was sobbing and lay defeated across his lap. When he finally finished he pulled her panties back up and her dress down. After a final pat he sat her up and and made her kneel in front of him.
“Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”
Sara sniffed a few times and looked up at him with a mascara  streaked face.
“I’m sorry Sir. I shouldn’t have acted that way.”
He pulled her up and kissed her deeply. She immediately responded and felt how wet her panties felt on her skin. She was always turned on after a spanking by him. And she definitely knew now not try this again. He always knew exactly what she needed. Sara grabbed him by the hand and quickly took him to one of the private rooms. And there she showed him how happy she truly was.