Thoughts

I have been going through quite a bit lately and these words came to me and needed to be wrote down. It’s supposed to be a poem and I’m not sure if it is written correctly but here it is….

The thoughts whisper in my head,
Like voices on the wind.
They race through faster and faster,
As if they’re cars on a track.

The words are vile poison,
Spewing words of self hate.
Nothing, worthless, fat, disgusting,
Echoing on an endless repeat.

I see no signs of it slowing,
So what options are left?
Do I give in and jump,
To finally quiet the torture?

I come to a crossroad,
Two paths are before me.
To my left I see relief,
A sweet slip into eternal slumber.

But I barely glance before I turn,
And start towards my right.
Before me is the tallest mountain,
And at the peak I see my life.

Back in my safe zone

I’m not sure if anyone still reads here anymore, but I need to have a safe place to write again.

I’ll just use this post as an update and then start writing more tomorrow. I have a few stories I’ve written that I would live feedback on.

M and I are still together and are nearing our 4 year anniversary. Things are rocky at times but all relationships have ups and downs. My son started first grade the other day and loves it so far.

My sister and her family moved out back in February and seem to be doing ok. We have our house back to ourselves for now,  but may have a visitor come and live with us soon. I’ll post more about that later.

My pug had puppies and M let me keep 2 of them so they can grow together. They are adorable and are my kids lol. My pug unfortunately passed away a few weeks ago and it really crushed me.

I won’t ramble too much in this post but I hope some of you still come and check in. I’d like to get back into writing and reading and do something for me. This was my safe haven for a while and I hope it can be again.

Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

Still waiting

I am completely over this moving experience. It has been almost a month and we still haven’t moved in yet. The workers are supposed to have everything done by Tuesday but M has to work wed and thur so we can’t actually move in til then. The house is a mess because there are boxes everywhere.

My son started school this past Wednesday and so far I am not happy with his teacher. The first day he got kicked in the eye by another child. I was not notified until my son came home crying. She didn’t even send him to the nurse. We took him to the emergency room and it had scratched his cornea. I spoke to the teacher and she tried to say he was overreacting and rubbing it. Well yea he rubbed it, it hurt! Thursday seemed to go better but Friday he came home and had peed his pants because the teacher made him stand by the swings at recess without letting him go to the bathroom. Yesterday he asked me if he was going back to school and when I told him yes he said his teacher had told him he was too big a baby to come back to school. I was beyond pissed. So I will be having yet another discussion with her and maybe the principal also.

I am at my wits end dealing with everything. And M and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. The M/s has come to a standstill and to be honest I don’t know if I want it back. There is a lot of lack of communication and trust right now.

I feel like everyone wants me to be superwoman and that just isn’t me. I can only be stretched so thin before I break. I need a clone I think. Now where can I get one of those.

Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

Changes ahead

We are (fingers crossed) going to be moving soon. And with that move comes a lot of changes. We will have more room for one, which is wonderful. My son starts school in a little over a week, I am not ready for that at all. He is still my baby. But h being in school means more time for me. I can actually delve a little deeper into my desires. There will also hopefully be some more kinky times ahead. I’m going to try to write more since I will have time to do so. Hope I still have readers lol.

Filling in the blanks

I believe I have mentioned here before that I was, at one time, in an abusive relationship. I was only 16-17 years old, and had no idea what I wanted or craved at that time. Before I continue, I in no way believe that our relationship was healthy. But, having said that, I have found out some things about myself.

I went to my counselling session earlier this week with things on my mind that I wanted to discuss. I recently have been having dreams about getting back with this particular ex. I also have been having flashbacks of things that had happened between us.

Some things about the relationship I can’t help but think were desirable to me. The way things happened were really similar to a typical M/s dynamic. I had rules and if they were broken I was punished. And, after some thought about it, I realize that even then, so young, I craved the control and calming of being punished for wrong doing and havng the peace that came after.

As I said before, this was not a consensual thing. I didn’t ask for, or even know about BDSM at that point in my life. But I think that deep down, I knew my wants were different from my friends.

Even then, I knew that I needed things to be different for me. And I find myself wondering that if I had known about BDSM back then, would it have played out differently? And also, did what happen then shape my wants and desires that I have today? Do I enjoy that rush of submission simply because it was all I knew at one point?

I guess at this point it doesn’t really matter whether it shaped me. But looking back, I wouldn’t change one thing about that part of my life. I live with no regret of that part of my life. No, it was not a healthy relationship. It has taken almost 8 years to get past some things, but I’m also filled with anxiousness at the thought that I enjoyed it. I question whether I am in it for the right decision. It definitely feels right, so I must like it for more than what was.

This is something that I plan to discuss more next session, but until then gives me plenty of things to think about.