Posted in My feelings, Vanilla

Memories (trigger warning)

Today M and I went house hunting. We have been wanting to move for a while now and had free time to actually go and look. We found a few houses that we are going to call about Monday.

On the way home I asked if we could go out and look for a house I wasn’t sure was still for sale or not. It is a house that played a big part in my past and what has made me what I am today. It is a ways out in the country so it took forever to find again. The way I used to remember to get there is no longer there. I followed signs from an old zoo to get there and apparently they aren’t open anymore, because there were no signs. We drove around for about an hour before we found it.

It has been 7 years since I’ve been on that property, but as soon as I saw it it was like I had just been there yesterday. Memories flooded into my head of everything I went through there. Some good most bad. So much was different about the house itself, a barn had been torn down, along with a few other little chicken coops, but I could still remember everything where it used to be.

7 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. He was my high school sweetheart. We had met my freshmen year and he was the love of my life. I can honestly say that I have never felt again what I felt for that boy. And for 2 1/2 years we were the perfect couple. Everyone wanted to be us in school. The teachers and security guards called us Mr. and Mrs. But no one knew what was going on in our home lives. He was diagnosed as Bipolar at a young age and was ridiculously over medicated. His mother thought the answer to any outburst or bad day was to call his doctor to up the dosage. He was on over 1000 mg of multiple pills. And then one day she decided to put him in a hospital and be evaluated again. So years after his diagnoses the same place that said he had Bipolar, said that they were wrong that he didn’t have anything. They then stripped him of his medications, all of them. Needless to say they fucked him up completely. And after a couple months of transitioning they let him come back to school and back to me.

I had not seen him other than one time in the couple months he was away. We missed each other so much, and when he got out we immediately clung to each other like leeches. I realize now that toward the end it became more obsession than love for him. I was his one rock that he could cling to, but I was also the one person that he took his issues out on. The abuse went on for 8 months. And the majority of it was in that house. It was just him and his aunt living there most of the time, his mother had signed away her rights when she had a baby with her new husband. I practically lived out there with them. My mom was never one to really care about where I was or what I was doing.

He had a bedroom upstairs with a door that blocked out most sound. And his aunt was always going on errands or working outside with her animals and garden. Needless to say, we had a lot of time for him to do whatever he wanted to me.

All the pain of those 8 months and the good times also are what come rushing into my mind when I saw that house. And through out the rest of the day I have had flashbacks from hell. Just to warn readers, I will probably be writing about some of the things to get them out of my head. It helps me get through them.

Author:

I am a mother, daughter, sister, but most of all I am my Master's slave. I'm also a little bit crazy, and decided blogging was the perfect way to share my craziness with the world. There will be ups, and there will be downs. So hold on tight, and away we go.

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