Today has been a very down day for me, and since I lack the friends to go and talk to about this, I am going to just dump it all into a nice little pity party. You are all invited, feel free to bring your own confetti and balloons, I’m too moody to get them.
I get on my Facebook today and see that one of my friends on there, who is family of my ex, is excited about being a great aunt. Which, yea baby, so I should be happy right? Well this is the ex that abused me. He is the one that I have went through hell and back to get over and past. I still to this day have flashbacks and nightmares about all the things he’s done to me, and it’s been 7 years. And I get that people change, and I’m sure he’s not the asshole he was back when I dated him in high school. But…..why should he get all the happiness? Why do people like that get good things? Where is karma when I need her? He got to graduate high school, got his college paid completely for him, is engaged and now has a daughter, who is adorable. Even now thinking about it I’m pissed and crying.
I want nothing more than to get married and have more children. My son constantly asks when I’m gonna have a sister or brother for him. Or his new thing, because he knows I probably won’t have anymore, is to ask me if it makes me sad that I can’t have anymore, and it hurts. He is 5 and yet, sometimes, he has the mind of someone much older. I try my best to hide that sadness from him, but since it has been only me and him for so long, he picks up on it.
I went to my counselor today and talked to her for the last time. I finally found someone I felt comfortable enough to talk to about EVERYTHING in my life, BDSM included. She is moving to Chicago and Thursday is her last day. So I get to start over with someone new, which I hate. I told her about the dreams that ranged from memories to us getting back together. She told me she thinks that the get back together dreams weren’t so much that I wanted HIM back, as I wanted the love and happiness I felt back then, before the abuse. I will probably make my next post on here a little back story about him and what I went through so it’s not so confusing.
And then I get a phone call from my GYNO and she says that the lab results came back fine, which is good, but if I started having irregular bleeding to call them. I rolled my eyes and told her that I had never STOPPED having irregular bleeding. Her response was “oh.” So now I have to go back to her tomorrow afternoon for yet another exam. I really don’t see what else they can do. They have poked and prodded me too many times to count and are still coming up with nothing. I am tired of bleeding, and hurting, and feeling light headed. I have no strength anymore. I’m just sick of tired of being sick and tired.
O and to top all this off, there is a bunch of family drama that I’m not even going to attempt to cover here in this post. And M is oblivious to anything pertaining to me and how I’m feeling.
So thanks for coming to the party, feel free to close the door when you leave I’m going to go bury my head under the covers.