Filling in the blanks

I believe I have mentioned here before that I was, at one time, in an abusive relationship. I was only 16-17 years old, and had no idea what I wanted or craved at that time. Before I continue, I in no way believe that our relationship was healthy. But, having said that, I have found out some things about myself.

I went to my counselling session earlier this week with things on my mind that I wanted to discuss. I recently have been having dreams about getting back with this particular ex. I also have been having flashbacks of things that had happened between us.

Some things about the relationship I can’t help but think were desirable to me. The way things happened were really similar to a typical M/s dynamic. I had rules and if they were broken I was punished. And, after some thought about it, I realize that even then, so young, I craved the control and calming of being punished for wrong doing and havng the peace that came after.

As I said before, this was not a consensual thing. I didn’t ask for, or even know about BDSM at that point in my life. But I think that deep down, I knew my wants were different from my friends.

Even then, I knew that I needed things to be different for me. And I find myself wondering that if I had known about BDSM back then, would it have played out differently? And also, did what happen then shape my wants and desires that I have today? Do I enjoy that rush of submission simply because it was all I knew at one point?

I guess at this point it doesn’t really matter whether it shaped me. But looking back, I wouldn’t change one thing about that part of my life. I live with no regret of that part of my life. No, it was not a healthy relationship. It has taken almost 8 years to get past some things, but I’m also filled with anxiousness at the thought that I enjoyed it. I question whether I am in it for the right decision. It definitely feels right, so I must like it for more than what was.

This is something that I plan to discuss more next session, but until then gives me plenty of things to think about.

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