Posted in Kink

Filling in the blanks

I believe I have mentioned here before that I was, at one time, in an abusive relationship. I was only 16-17 years old, and had no idea what I wanted or craved at that time. Before I continue, I in no way believe that our relationship was healthy. But, having said that, I have found out some things about myself.

I went to my counselling session earlier this week with things on my mind that I wanted to discuss. I recently have been having dreams about getting back with this particular ex. I also have been having flashbacks of things that had happened between us.

Some things about the relationship I can’t help but think were desirable to me. The way things happened were really similar to a typical M/s dynamic. I had rules and if they were broken I was punished. And, after some thought about it, I realize that even then, so young, I craved the control and calming of being punished for wrong doing and havng the peace that came after.

As I said before, this was not a consensual thing. I didn’t ask for, or even know about BDSM at that point in my life. But I think that deep down, I knew my wants were different from my friends.

Even then, I knew that I needed things to be different for me. And I find myself wondering that if I had known about BDSM back then, would it have played out differently? And also, did what happen then shape my wants and desires that I have today? Do I enjoy that rush of submission simply because it was all I knew at one point?

I guess at this point it doesn’t really matter whether it shaped me. But looking back, I wouldn’t change one thing about that part of my life. I live with no regret of that part of my life. No, it was not a healthy relationship. It has taken almost 8 years to get past some things, but I’m also filled with anxiousness at the thought that I enjoyed it. I question whether I am in it for the right decision. It definitely feels right, so I must like it for more than what was.

This is something that I plan to discuss more next session, but until then gives me plenty of things to think about.


I am a mother, daughter, sister, but most of all I am my Master's slave. I'm also a little bit crazy, and decided blogging was the perfect way to share my craziness with the world. There will be ups, and there will be downs. So hold on tight, and away we go.

One thought on “Filling in the blanks

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