Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

Changes ahead

We are (fingers crossed) going to be moving soon. And with that move comes a lot of changes. We will have more room for one, which is wonderful. My son starts school in a little over a week, I am not ready for that at all. He is still my baby. But h being in school means more time for me. I can actually delve a little deeper into my desires. There will also hopefully be some more kinky times ahead. I’m going to try to write more since I will have time to do so. Hope I still have readers lol.

Filling in the blanks

I believe I have mentioned here before that I was, at one time, in an abusive relationship. I was only 16-17 years old, and had no idea what I wanted or craved at that time. Before I continue, I in no way believe that our relationship was healthy. But, having said that, I have found out some things about myself.

I went to my counselling session earlier this week with things on my mind that I wanted to discuss. I recently have been having dreams about getting back with this particular ex. I also have been having flashbacks of things that had happened between us.

Some things about the relationship I can’t help but think were desirable to me. The way things happened were really similar to a typical M/s dynamic. I had rules and if they were broken I was punished. And, after some thought about it, I realize that even then, so young, I craved the control and calming of being punished for wrong doing and havng the peace that came after.

As I said before, this was not a consensual thing. I didn’t ask for, or even know about BDSM at that point in my life. But I think that deep down, I knew my wants were different from my friends.

Even then, I knew that I needed things to be different for me. And I find myself wondering that if I had known about BDSM back then, would it have played out differently? And also, did what happen then shape my wants and desires that I have today? Do I enjoy that rush of submission simply because it was all I knew at one point?

I guess at this point it doesn’t really matter whether it shaped me. But looking back, I wouldn’t change one thing about that part of my life. I live with no regret of that part of my life. No, it was not a healthy relationship. It has taken almost 8 years to get past some things, but I’m also filled with anxiousness at the thought that I enjoyed it. I question whether I am in it for the right decision. It definitely feels right, so I must like it for more than what was.

This is something that I plan to discuss more next session, but until then gives me plenty of things to think about.

Memories

I follow quite a few blogs on here. One of which is someone I especially enjoy reading. I would mention her here but I’m not sure how to do it with my phone. So I apologize for that.

Recently, she has been talking about public spankings. I had commented telling her how it has always been a fantasy of mine to he spanked and taken in hand in a public place. But, after thinking about, I realize that I have been spanked in front of others. It wasn’t a public place per say, but it was in front of a trusted friend that knew about my relationship.

It was not long after M moved here, he said we needed to take care of things with said friend. The back story to that is before M moved up here, he had given me permission to drink with this friend at her house. The conditions from both M and her Sir were that we were not to get too drunk. Well, that seemed like a good thing to agree to at the time. Now my friend and I have been friends since we were 5, so we tended to go a little overboard with our nights sometimes. This night was no exception. Long story short, we drank way too much that night and we were in trouble.

Her Sir and M were both very dissapointed in us, and decided that since we did the deed together we should be punished together. Since M wasn’t here at the time, she got her punishment before me. But I was told I had to kneel and watch it happen. So I obeyed and did just that.

About a week or so later M came up to live with me. We went to my friend’s house for my part of the punishment.

Thankfully, I wasn’t made to take anything down. But he did have me place my hands on the wall and spread my legs a little. He spanked me with his belt. I can’t remember now how many it was. What I do remember is the humiliation that came from not only my friend watching, but her Sir also. After my punishment I had to apologize to her Sir for both my behavior and for disrespecting his home.

Part of me hated that embarrassment of others seeing. But part of me was very turned on. I don’t know how it is for others when they are spanked, but I always get very wet. This was not any different. Even though I am not a fan of the pain aspect much, and am a huge squirmer, certain parts are traitors and enjoy it.

M always likes to feel to see how wet my spankings make me. My brain says one thing, but my body says another. There is a little bit of humiliation involved with that also. And I both love and hate that.

So thank you for the inspiration for the post. And thank you readers for coming to read.

Distance

I was reading another person’s blog a moment ago, and it really made me think. The blog was about d/s without living together. So I decided to write about my own experience.

When M and I first met we lived in different states. I was in college full time and also taking care of a 3 year old. So, needless to say, I was far from feeling submissive. This is my first experience with anything to do with BDSM.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me personally, it was actually easier on me. I was able to live my life during the day as mommy and college student, but also able to come home at night and webcam with M. There were also little things throughout the day, texts mostly. I would text him on breaks or when he wanted me to ask permission for certaim things.

At night, I would put my son to bed and get on cam with M and that is when I could slip into slave mode. I would talk to him about my day, and so would he. We would talk about any problems that had come up. and even though it was mundane everyday stuff, there was still that undercurrent of something more. He would have me do different things for him. Sometimes it was something as simple as having me call him sir or master. Other times it was putting nipple clamps on and masturbating for his viewing. I think that was probably one of the harder things for me to do. It was embarrassing to be completely under his eye as I did the things he asked me to while I touched myself. That is when I realized that I get turned on by humiliation. It was awkward to masturbate for him, but at the same time it turned me on to do it.

It was both easier and harder to have this type of relationship long distance. It was harder because I longed to be in his arms and feel him physically there with me. But also it was easier, because right or wrong to feel this way, part of me knew that if it went too far, or too intense, that I could just turn the cam off. I was able to do more for him over cam than it would have went in person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done these things in person, but it would have been more of a struggle to do them out of shyness.

So, for me, I wouldn’t go back and change the long distance part of our relationship. It was exactly what I needed to explore my newly budding submissive nature. And it helped M know that I was the one he truly wanted to take to the next level.

People that judge

I was on fetlife tonight and came across a group about kinky play vs abuse. I looked through it expecting to find an informed person trying to help people differentiate between the two.

What I saw instead was a girl with a personal vendetta. Now I’m not saying I blame her for feeling the way she did. Apparently her sister was in an abusive relationship and when she tried to leave he killed her. So yes, I can understand why she would be upset about abuse. But to come on a site like fetlife and accuse everyone that was physical with their significant other of being abusive is completely unfair.

As I habe mentioned before I was in an abusive relationship for 8 months. It was in no way consensual or wanted. Was that abuse? Yes.

Now, I have been with M  for almost 3 years now. I’m sure that to someone that is not into what we do would think it is abuse. But it is not. Are there some similarities between what my ex did and what M does? Yea, but the very huge difference here is consent.

I gave my consent to M to be my master. I entered into a relationship with him as his slave with a sound mind. I knew what I was getting into. Honestly, I looked forward to the pain aspect.

Normally, I keep quiet and just silently lurk on posts. But this instance made me angry. For someone to sit there and say that even if I did consent I was obviously not mentally capable of making that decision. And that anyone that enjoyed inflicting pain was an abuser hiding behind the pretense of kink. That is ridiculous.

Are there people that abuse the concept of bdsm for their own issues? Yes, but the same can be said for any type of relationship.

Another thing that bothered me was she was insinuating that how far is too far. How long would it be before the top snapped and actually killed the bottom. That is also an insult to not only the top, but to the bottom. Most people in these relationships go into them knowing their partner. To jump into any relationship, be it kinky or otherwise, is very risky. There has to be trust established before just handing your control over to someone else. You give your consent to someone that you know is not a serial killer.

That’s what I never understood about people like her and the ones that say things like “What if he decides to cut your arm off, do you consent to that?” Well I seriously hope that you would not put yourself into the control of someone you felt was capable of wanting to do that. That should be a no brainer that you don’t consent to that. If that even has to be a question asked of a person then my advise is to run far far away.

I just wish that those people would stop their protests long enough to do some research and actually talk to the “poor, helpless slaves” that they think need rescuing. I am in no need of a rescuer. Actually if anything I need someone to talk M into doing a little more beating over here. 🙂

Longing

For the longest time I have been experiencing a low sex drive. I would go through the motions with M but never really fully committed. I’m not sure if it was meds I was taking or just an internal struggle with myself. I was even thinkimg it was M. Through our whole relationship sex had never been an issue with us. Even if we were not liking each other much outside the bedroom we could still come together and have great sex. But even that was going away. I know with me taking the shot to put me in menopause could have a factor in it as well.

But I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t really any of those things.

I was struggling with myself. I had completely rebelled against the submissive nature. I wanted my independence and I didn’t

need to listen to any man to tell me what to do. I had voices in my head of my family telling me I shouldn’t take his controlling ways. That I should just walk away and find someone else. And for a little bit I let those voices define me. I refused to let him have the upper hand. I refused to let him into my mind or heart as anything other than an equal.

But then…….

Something happened. I couldn’t tell you what it was. I can’t explain it at all. But it was like something switched on in my brain. I stopped looking at him as the enemy and forced my family’s voices out of my head.

And now I find myself longing.

I’m longing for his hand in my hair as he jerks my face to his for a kiss.

I’m longing for his hands to find my breasts and pinch and caress them.

I’m longing for his belt or crop to make his marks of ownership on my body.

But most of all I am longing to delight in the magic of submission. To let go of the depression and stress I have put on myself by denying my true wants and desires.

I am longing to be his.