Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

First post of the New Year

First off, happy New Year to all of my readers that still come here. I’m going to be writing more I promise.

I know that some of you have wondered how things went at the doctor. Well when I went on the 27th to see the surgeon, she said that there really wouldn’t be a point in having the surgery to remove scar tissue, because more than likely the scar tissue would come back. So, luckily I don’t have to have surgery now, but the alternative isn’t much fine either. She said the pain is most likely coming from the endometriosis that was found during my ovary removal. Her solution is for me to start getting a shot once a month that will help get rid of it. She explained to me that endometriosis feeds off of the estrogen that women naturally produce. This shot is actually a estrogen blocker. So I get the shot and it essentially throws me into a fake menopause. My body will still produce estrogen, but it won’t think that it is, so the endo will die off. Thankfully, I only have to have the shot once a month, because it is $700 per shot. My insurance covers it since they have proof that I need it from my last surgery. I go in Monday for my first stick. The bad side to this is that since my body is in fake menopause I will have no periods or chances of getting pregnant. So for the next 6 months I still don’t get to be pregnant.

Another thing that I talked to her about was the fact that I have been taking a pill for losing weight, cut way down on my food intake, and also have been a lot more active, yet my weight is not going down or up. She asked me if I had the history of PCOS, and when I said yes I’ve had it for years, she said that was exactly what the issue was. So all the people that have talked shit about my weight and said shit about it not being hard to lose weight can kiss my ass. I’ve been doing everything but starving myself to lose, and it has moved. She told me point blank that only a ridiculous amount of exercise at least 5 days a week can even make any kind of dent.

A huge change that is going on right now besides my health, is that M may have gotten a really big job. He has been working for a company through a temp service and the boss told him to apply for the actual company. He did and got a phone interview the other day, because they are based in Virginia, and we live no where close to that area. The interviewer told him that he will check his references and get back to him. We are both extremely excited about this. If he gets it he will be making at least $23/hr up to $35 just starting out. The only down side is that the job calls for a lot of travel, so he won’t be home very often. But, we went months without seeing each other in the beginning of our relationship, so I’m sure we can do this too. He loves the work, and I will get to enjoy time alone with my son without worrying about bills or outside things. Plus, I get to stay at home and be a homemaker like I’ve been wanting to do.

This year is definitely starting to look up for myself and my family. There have been a lot of ups and downs last year, but I have grown and become a better and stronger person because of those experiences. I feel absolutely blessed right now.

It’s all about the mindset

M and I had a huge discussion the other night. Since he is finished with school now we have time to focus on us. We talked for a couple hours about what was wrong with the relationship and what steps needed to be taken to fix things. Both of us knew we wanted to keep the dynamic of M/s because neither of us are good at vanilla. Hell, even with him I can’t seem to get off unless there is some kind of pain involved. I know some people can go back and forth and be just as happy, but not me.

I have been talking to my counselor for a while about what I need from a relationship. At one point I was considering leaving M to go find what I wanted. But I’ve realized that my biggest reason for disliking my relationship had nothing to do with M or me. I have had a lot of people, ex-friends and family trying to tell me what I need to do to be happy. But at the end of the day no one’s opinion but mine and M’s really matters. I do talk to my son to an extent to see if he is happy and content, but obviously with him being 5 he’s content if he gets chocolate milk with lunch.

Talking to my counselor made me realize that the only way I’m going to be happy is if I’m either a sub or a slave. I have always been in charge of everyone else since I was about 10 years old. I raised my sisters while my mom and step-dad partied at the bars. Then I helped take care of my other siblings when my dad remarried and had children. And I’ve babysat for multiple kids. All the way up until high school when I met my abusive ex, (I will call him D from now on). Then I took care of his baby brother for his mom. So, there have been a lot of kids in my life, even before I became a mother.

On the subject of D, I have wondered for years what it was that made me stay with him for so long. I mean there were some of the cliches that come with an abusive relationship, low self-worth, fear, blind love, but there was more than that. Then, after thinking about it, toward the end, I honestly think part of me liked it. At 17 I had no idea what BDSM even was. I lived a pretty sheltered life up until high school. I was a book worm and a band geek, and fat, none of which makes you too attractive to the boys. So when I noticed that I liked it a little bit, I felt ashamed and tried my best to just hide those feelings away. Obviously, abuse is never OK, but I wonder if I would have known about BDSM if I would have given my consent.

Anyway, my point in all that back story is because of the mixture of always being in charge and the memories of what I enjoyed about my past relationship, I need to be able to give up control. I need to have someone say this is how things need to be. I crave the pain of spankings and hair pulling and choking. I love the submissive feeling that washes over me when I’m put in my place. I feel safe, and loved, and almost like a little girl again.

So with that mindset I told M all of that. And now, so far, things have been back to how they were in the beginning. Before I let friends and family tell me how I should think and feel about him. He has his faults, but so do I. But I have made a commitment to him, and my son loves him. I can’t do that to him or myself. To me a Master slave relationship is so much more commitment than a regular vanilla relationship. There is a lot more trust involved, and there is a lot more caring about the other person’s feeling. At least in my experience, all my vanilla relationships were about what I could get out of it. Was I getting this and this, without any regard to what the other person really needed. And it was the same for the guy. Even now I see other friends who are in vanilla relationships that are so selfish. They even expect the guy to say specific phrases to them. If they get an apology it has to be worded the way they want it to be or there is an even bigger fight. It’s ridiculous to me. There are way more important things to a relationship that flowers or whether or not they said baby at the end of the I’m sorry.

Sorry this is so long, but I have had a lot things going through my head and needed to get it all out. I am one happy, bruised slave today. And M has already found some work, which is great. The funny thing is I really don’t have any friends anymore, and I’ve cut off from my family a little bit, and I couldn’t be happier.

Changes are coming.

I apologize for the lag in posts lately. There has been a lot going on at home and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really post it out to the world. M and I are having problems yet again. But this time it’s a little different. I think we are both coming to a point where we either need to figure this out or move on. I told him today that I am giving us until January to work through things. I guess I could just up and leave now if I wanted to. But there are a lot of factors right now that are making me stop and think about waiting.

First of all M is going through finals in school. So he has been stressed to the max and has been very testy (no pun intended lol).

Also, because I’m STILL bleeding and cramping they have me on double dose of birth control yet again. This is the third time I’ve been on double dose. My hormones are going insane. I’m moody as hell. One minute I want to scream and yell and throw things, and ten minutes later I start bawling like a baby. I have cried off and on all day today.

Neither of those scenarios, in my opinion, are right situations to decide the fate of a 2 year relationship. So I told him I’m waiting until after I’ve been to the surgeon to figure things out. It’s not fair of me to make a rash decision because of hormones.

Plus, Christmas is coming up. And my son deserves a Christmas at home with his mom and M. He loves M very much and I can’t imagine what he will go through if M does leave. M left yesterday because we were fighting and my son cried and cried about it. He told me his heart was broken. I felt so bad, but M leaving was what was best at the time. I finally got the presents wrapped. Sadly, there isn’t going to be much of a Christmas this year due to low funds. But I feel happy with the gifts I got them both.

On a completely different note, I really hate this bleeding. M and I were making out like teenagers last week, and because of bleeding we couldn’t really do a whole lot because sex seems to make it worse. We haven’t had sex in almost a month now. I hate it, and I know M hates it. That may be part of our problem also lol.

I went to my counselor today because I’ve been having a lot of dreams about my abusive ex. Which of course, has made me think back on that relationship. It’s frustrating to me, because you would think after 7 years I would be past it. But the past likes to spring it’s ugly head up randomly and let me know it’s still there in my mind. Looking at my past though, I have realized that part of the reason I stayed was because I felt like he needed me, but also, because even though the control was abusive, it was also very tempting to me. Growing up I was the oldest of 3 girls, and from the age of 10 up I was taking care of everything. I was constantly in control of everything and took on a lot of responsibility. So when my ex came along and wanted to control me, I was like OK, at least I can give up control. Of course at 16 I had no clue about BDSM or power exchange, but I think back then was when it first came into my mind.

Even now, with M, I tend to want more of the control than the submission. I want that micromanagement, because it makes me feel like he has that control and I don’t anymore. I still have my family calling me daily needing something from me. And then of course, with my son being 5, he needs me too. Sometimes, I get the urge to just run away and not look back. But I know that isn’t a possibility for me. I’m needed too much by too many people. I just hope when M gets done with school we can focus more on the BDSM and less on the other things that seem to come up.

Pity Party for One

Today has been a very down day for me, and since I lack the friends to go and talk to about this, I am going to just dump it all into a nice little pity party. You are all invited, feel free to bring your own confetti and balloons, I’m too moody to get them.

I get on my Facebook today and see that one of my friends on there, who is family of my ex, is excited about being a great aunt. Which, yea baby, so I should be happy right? Well this is the ex that abused me. He is the one that I have went through hell and back to get over and past. I still to this day have flashbacks and nightmares about all the things he’s done to me, and it’s been 7 years. And I get that people change, and I’m sure he’s not the asshole he was back when I dated him in high school. But…..why should he get all the happiness? Why do people like that get good things? Where is karma when I need her? He got to graduate high school, got his college paid completely for him, is engaged and now has a daughter, who is adorable. Even now thinking about it I’m pissed and crying.

I want nothing more than to get married and have more children. My son constantly asks when I’m gonna have a sister or brother for him. Or his new thing, because he knows I probably won’t have anymore, is to ask me if it makes me sad that I can’t have anymore, and it hurts. He is 5 and yet, sometimes, he has the mind of someone much older. I try my best to hide that sadness from him, but since it has been only me and him for so long, he picks up on it.

I went to my counselor today and talked to her for the last time. I finally found someone I felt comfortable enough to talk to about EVERYTHING in my life, BDSM included. She is moving to Chicago and Thursday is her last day. So I get to start over with someone new, which I hate. I told her about the dreams that ranged from memories to us getting back together. She told me she thinks that the get back together dreams weren’t so much that I wanted HIM back, as I wanted the love and happiness I felt back then, before the abuse. I will probably make my next post on here a little back story about him and what I went through so it’s not so confusing.

And then I get a phone call from my GYNO and she says that the lab results came back fine, which is good, but if I started having irregular bleeding to call them. I rolled my eyes and told her that I had never STOPPED having irregular bleeding. Her response was “oh.” So now I have to go back to her tomorrow afternoon for yet another exam. I really don’t see what else they can do. They have poked and prodded me too many times to count and are still coming up with nothing. I am tired of bleeding, and hurting, and feeling light headed. I have no strength anymore. I’m just sick of tired of being sick and tired.

O and to top all this off, there is a bunch of family drama that I’m not even going to attempt to cover here in this post. And M is oblivious to anything pertaining to me and how I’m feeling.

So thanks for coming to the party, feel free to close the door when you leave I’m going to go bury my head under the covers.

At a Loss….

It always seems like life can never truly be balanced. When things are going well in some aspects of my life there is always something that is going inexplicably wrong. I find myself at a loss for words.

Things at work are going really well. I get along great with my coworkers and genuinely enjoy what I’m doing. Yes, I come home tired, but it’s a good tired. I come home proud that I have accomplished the tasks I was given.

My health is not the best at the moment, but I am taking all possible steps to figure out the issues and make them better. I had the ultrasound yesterday and will hopefully know the results tomorrow. The girl that did it could not give me a yes or no as to whether or not she found any cysts, because unless they are life threatening, she is not allowed to. So the results were sent to my doctor who is supposed to look at them and let me know what to do from here. The birth control they put me on doesn’t seem to be working. I am still bleeding, and I am still in a lot of pain. I’m almost positive that the cysts are back. The tech told me that back in March when I had my last ultrasound for this there was a 4 cm cyst on my remaining ovary. I don’t know why I wasn’t told that, but regardless, they won’t do much about them unless they are over 5 cm. So for now it is just a waiting game.

The area of my life that is not going well at all is M. We seem to be fighting more than getting along. And lately our fights have become way more intense than usual. We both say things that we regret. But this last fight seems to be different. Even though we haven’t been doing the physical aspect of the M/s, I have been under the assumption that things were still the same. He was the Master, I the slave. But tonight I asked him about my paycheck (it has always been a rule that my money is still his money), and he said why would I have to ask. WHY???? Because you’re the Master. When I asked him if it was just done, he said what. I said US. He said I guess you made that clear the other day. The day in question was a fight that we were having and things were said that shouldn’t have been said. But as I replied to him, why was the other day any different than any other day that we have fought? I’m just hurt right now. I feel as if this is really the end. That he is just checking out and there will be no fixing this. And of course there is no communication about any of this. Just that snippet of conversation and now he snores beside me as I write this hurt and confused.

I don’t really have any friends to talk about the dynamic with that really get it. The one person that I used to talk to obviously is no longer around to discuss things with. So what happens now? Am I supposed to just be ok with this? Do I try to fight for something that feels at this point one-sided? Do I give up and just try to move on? This is why I am at a loss. You readers have become my friends to whom I come to. Any advice would be much appreciated. How do I stay a slave to someone that doesn’t seem to want to own me? His actions are in complete contradiction to his words.

New things are on the horizon

I got a phone call yesterday, and I have the job! I start Tuesday for orientation. I’m so happy to finally be working. And I’m proud of myself for getting out and making changes for my life. I start out at minimum wage, but they told me that depending on how things go, I may get switched over to a higher pay grade. At this point, any money is better than no money. I’ve decided I’m going to put back my first few pay checks to put a down payment on a car. I figure that with mine and M’s money, there will be plenty to pay for the necessities and have some extra for me to make payments. M told me he was proud of me too, because I did this all on my own. Nobody helped me out, I worked hard for this. And my family is being really good about taking care of my son when I start work. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come.

The other day after I got the call that I needed to come in for a third interview, M decided to go ahead and get my hair done that night. Well, I knew that my hair color was pretty bad. And I had to get rid of the blue that was in it for work. So M said that I could just have them do a full makeover on my hair to get it actually looking professional. He ended up spending over $130 on it. The girl that did my hair was absolutely great. She told me that they would fix me up. She was not happy with the person that did my hair last. Her exact words were she obviously didn’t know what she was doing. Which was funny to me, because the person that did thinks that she is the best thing ever. I didn’t want to tell her when she did it that I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be rude and hurt her feelings. But I wish I never would have let her touch it. The hairdresser said that one strand of hair had at least 4 different colors stacked on top of each other from where there were poorly done touch ups. And the reason that my hair looked so bad was that and also the fact that when the girl that did it before did my highlights she hadn’t done it correctly. I guess I just thought that since she had her cosmetology license that she would actually do it right. I had been letting her do my cut and color for quite a while, but I kept having to go and pay money to get the cut fixed, and so was just letting her do color. Well M said that even if me and that girl ever talk again, she is NOT to touch my hair.

They had to do a bleach wash on it, and do highlights with brown between it. It took 3 1/2 hours to do it because there was so much to fix. It was ridiculous. But in the end my hair is looking great. I love it now, and it has some nice fall colors in it. M paid for it but was not happy. I also got to go and buy some clothes for work, because at Walmart you have to wear certain colors neither of which did I have in my closet. He also splurged and I got a new pair of shoes since I will be on my feet all day. The ones I had, I’ve had for over 3 years of constant wear. They were a cheap pair I had to buy last minute. But these new ones, o man, they are like walking on clouds.

On another note, my son lost his front tooth yesterday. He was so excited when the tooth fairy came. And now he talks with a little lisp. It’s adorable. He isn’t too happy that mommy won’t be home with him full time, but I feel like he is old enough now that I can start to branch out. I have been a stay at home mom since he was born, by my choice. And even though I’ve caught a lot of shit for it, because, you know, how horrible that I want to be the one that raises my child. But it’s time for mommy to work and show him the example of working for things and not getting them handed to you.

Tuesday is going to be busy for me. I have the job orientation (which I get paid for) from 8-2:30 and then have to go straight from there to my appointment with my women’s health doctor. They want to see what has been making me feel the way I do. With me having the PCOS and getting the cysts constantly, they are worried about it being cancer. I was looking around doing some research on my symptoms and was a little nervous to find out that I fit most of the symptoms of ovarian cancer. Since 3-4 people in my mom’s side of the family have died of breast cancer in the past 10 years, it has me worried. I didn’t realize that breast cancer in the family put you at risk for ovarian cancer also. I really hope they get things figured out. The dizzy spells and lower stomach pain keeps getting worse, and when they took blood the other day for a blood count, they had trouble finding my vein. *sigh* If it’s not one thing it’s another.

Needless to say haven’t had much time to work on kink. No fun time for this slave, and no thoughts of my Arriana story. I will let everyone know how everything goes. I’m off to bed now, 5 year olds get up really early for a night owl like me. Good night all.

Here is a pic of me and my new hair style:

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