Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

Still waiting

I am completely over this moving experience. It has been almost a month and we still haven’t moved in yet. The workers are supposed to have everything done by Tuesday but M has to work wed and thur so we can’t actually move in til then. The house is a mess because there are boxes everywhere.

My son started school this past Wednesday and so far I am not happy with his teacher. The first day he got kicked in the eye by another child. I was not notified until my son came home crying. She didn’t even send him to the nurse. We took him to the emergency room and it had scratched his cornea. I spoke to the teacher and she tried to say he was overreacting and rubbing it. Well yea he rubbed it, it hurt! Thursday seemed to go better but Friday he came home and had peed his pants because the teacher made him stand by the swings at recess without letting him go to the bathroom. Yesterday he asked me if he was going back to school and when I told him yes he said his teacher had told him he was too big a baby to come back to school. I was beyond pissed. So I will be having yet another discussion with her and maybe the principal also.

I am at my wits end dealing with everything. And M and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. The M/s has come to a standstill and to be honest I don’t know if I want it back. There is a lot of lack of communication and trust right now.

I feel like everyone wants me to be superwoman and that just isn’t me. I can only be stretched so thin before I break. I need a clone I think. Now where can I get one of those.

Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

People that judge

I was on fetlife tonight and came across a group about kinky play vs abuse. I looked through it expecting to find an informed person trying to help people differentiate between the two.

What I saw instead was a girl with a personal vendetta. Now I’m not saying I blame her for feeling the way she did. Apparently her sister was in an abusive relationship and when she tried to leave he killed her. So yes, I can understand why she would be upset about abuse. But to come on a site like fetlife and accuse everyone that was physical with their significant other of being abusive is completely unfair.

As I habe mentioned before I was in an abusive relationship for 8 months. It was in no way consensual or wanted. Was that abuse? Yes.

Now, I have been with M  for almost 3 years now. I’m sure that to someone that is not into what we do would think it is abuse. But it is not. Are there some similarities between what my ex did and what M does? Yea, but the very huge difference here is consent.

I gave my consent to M to be my master. I entered into a relationship with him as his slave with a sound mind. I knew what I was getting into. Honestly, I looked forward to the pain aspect.

Normally, I keep quiet and just silently lurk on posts. But this instance made me angry. For someone to sit there and say that even if I did consent I was obviously not mentally capable of making that decision. And that anyone that enjoyed inflicting pain was an abuser hiding behind the pretense of kink. That is ridiculous.

Are there people that abuse the concept of bdsm for their own issues? Yes, but the same can be said for any type of relationship.

Another thing that bothered me was she was insinuating that how far is too far. How long would it be before the top snapped and actually killed the bottom. That is also an insult to not only the top, but to the bottom. Most people in these relationships go into them knowing their partner. To jump into any relationship, be it kinky or otherwise, is very risky. There has to be trust established before just handing your control over to someone else. You give your consent to someone that you know is not a serial killer.

That’s what I never understood about people like her and the ones that say things like “What if he decides to cut your arm off, do you consent to that?” Well I seriously hope that you would not put yourself into the control of someone you felt was capable of wanting to do that. That should be a no brainer that you don’t consent to that. If that even has to be a question asked of a person then my advise is to run far far away.

I just wish that those people would stop their protests long enough to do some research and actually talk to the “poor, helpless slaves” that they think need rescuing. I am in no need of a rescuer. Actually if anything I need someone to talk M into doing a little more beating over here. 🙂

The walls are closing in

Some days I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel lime I’m being pulled in so many different directions at once. I know some I bring on myself because I can’t see someone in pain without trying to do my best to help.

I love my son dearly but lately I find myself wishing I had more me time. His father is barely in the picture and usually only sees him when I take the the time to bring him there. Or he will make plans to see him and then something or some girl changes those plans. Then I’m the one that has to break my son and tell him he can’t go. And my son thinks the world of his father, which don’t get me wrong, I like that he loves him. But he seems to get all the loving and affection. Where as I,m the one always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline and rules. My son is starting to act out more lately. He sees the way M and I are with each other as of late and it seems to make it worse. I’m at my breaking point.

I have no friends that I can just vent to or just hang out with to just breathe. The bills just keep piling up and the house keeps getting more things wrong with it. M is very distant and unconcerned with how I feel. He tells me I just need to grow up and deal.

I have a friend that is a guy who thinks himself in love with me. He tries so hard to get me to leave and be with him. But last night I told him point blank, if I do leave M it won’t be to go to someone else. My whole life I have been someone’s something. I was my parents daughter. Then I was my abusive ex’s whatever you want to call it. Then I was and still am my son’s mommy. And now I am M’s gf/slave/property depending on his mood that day. I don’t even really know who I am. After being there for everyone else I never seem to have any time to just breathe and figure out what I want.

My mom is in the hospital right now and I worry about her. She is forgetting things and seeing people that aren’t there. I think it’s her mess but I worry that the effects are unfixable. There are days she will call me and tell me the same thing multiple times. Or she will forget that someone was there visiting completely. How long will this go on before she forgets who we are? And my grandma is taking care of herself plus my youngest sister’s baby. I let my son go visit her when she wants him, but I don’t make her raise my child like my sister seems ok with doing.

My counseling seems to be my only help. I go weekly to talk with her. Sometimes I wish it was daily. I feel like things just keep piling on and I don’t know how much more I can take. Something has to give, or I’m going to just break.

Dreams haunt me

Everything is going great in my life right now. M and I are more in sync than we have been a while. The marks and soreness are proof of that. My son is doing good also.

So why do dreams of my ex still haunt my dreams? I dream about him constantly. And he hasn’t been in my life for 7 years now. And he is not someone I could be with now. I just don’t understand it. My counselor says she thinks it’s because of how strongly I was in love with him. That my mind wants that feeling again. But as much as I love M I don’t think I will ever feel a love that intense again. I wish I could just control my dreams and stop them already.

Besides that the only other worry I have is how this shot will go. I don’t know what it’s going to do to me. I go Wednesday to get the first one. I find myself wishing I had more girls in my life that I could talk to about this. Someone that has some idea of what’s going on. But the girls that I used to be friends with are back stabbers. So I just stay away from them in general.

My birthday is next month but I’m not really looking forward to it. I have no one to go out and celebrate with and M doesn’t have the money to take me anywhere either. My birthday has never really been a big deal though so it will just be another day.

Pity Party for One

Today has been a very down day for me, and since I lack the friends to go and talk to about this, I am going to just dump it all into a nice little pity party. You are all invited, feel free to bring your own confetti and balloons, I’m too moody to get them.

I get on my Facebook today and see that one of my friends on there, who is family of my ex, is excited about being a great aunt. Which, yea baby, so I should be happy right? Well this is the ex that abused me. He is the one that I have went through hell and back to get over and past. I still to this day have flashbacks and nightmares about all the things he’s done to me, and it’s been 7 years. And I get that people change, and I’m sure he’s not the asshole he was back when I dated him in high school. But…..why should he get all the happiness? Why do people like that get good things? Where is karma when I need her? He got to graduate high school, got his college paid completely for him, is engaged and now has a daughter, who is adorable. Even now thinking about it I’m pissed and crying.

I want nothing more than to get married and have more children. My son constantly asks when I’m gonna have a sister or brother for him. Or his new thing, because he knows I probably won’t have anymore, is to ask me if it makes me sad that I can’t have anymore, and it hurts. He is 5 and yet, sometimes, he has the mind of someone much older. I try my best to hide that sadness from him, but since it has been only me and him for so long, he picks up on it.

I went to my counselor today and talked to her for the last time. I finally found someone I felt comfortable enough to talk to about EVERYTHING in my life, BDSM included. She is moving to Chicago and Thursday is her last day. So I get to start over with someone new, which I hate. I told her about the dreams that ranged from memories to us getting back together. She told me she thinks that the get back together dreams weren’t so much that I wanted HIM back, as I wanted the love and happiness I felt back then, before the abuse. I will probably make my next post on here a little back story about him and what I went through so it’s not so confusing.

And then I get a phone call from my GYNO and she says that the lab results came back fine, which is good, but if I started having irregular bleeding to call them. I rolled my eyes and told her that I had never STOPPED having irregular bleeding. Her response was “oh.” So now I have to go back to her tomorrow afternoon for yet another exam. I really don’t see what else they can do. They have poked and prodded me too many times to count and are still coming up with nothing. I am tired of bleeding, and hurting, and feeling light headed. I have no strength anymore. I’m just sick of tired of being sick and tired.

O and to top all this off, there is a bunch of family drama that I’m not even going to attempt to cover here in this post. And M is oblivious to anything pertaining to me and how I’m feeling.

So thanks for coming to the party, feel free to close the door when you leave I’m going to go bury my head under the covers.