Thoughts

I have been going through quite a bit lately and these words came to me and needed to be wrote down. It’s supposed to be a poem and I’m not sure if it is written correctly but here it is….

The thoughts whisper in my head,
Like voices on the wind.
They race through faster and faster,
As if they’re cars on a track.

The words are vile poison,
Spewing words of self hate.
Nothing, worthless, fat, disgusting,
Echoing on an endless repeat.

I see no signs of it slowing,
So what options are left?
Do I give in and jump,
To finally quiet the torture?

I come to a crossroad,
Two paths are before me.
To my left I see relief,
A sweet slip into eternal slumber.

But I barely glance before I turn,
And start towards my right.
Before me is the tallest mountain,
And at the peak I see my life.

Back in my safe zone

I’m not sure if anyone still reads here anymore, but I need to have a safe place to write again.

I’ll just use this post as an update and then start writing more tomorrow. I have a few stories I’ve written that I would live feedback on.

M and I are still together and are nearing our 4 year anniversary. Things are rocky at times but all relationships have ups and downs. My son started first grade the other day and loves it so far.

My sister and her family moved out back in February and seem to be doing ok. We have our house back to ourselves for now,  but may have a visitor come and live with us soon. I’ll post more about that later.

My pug had puppies and M let me keep 2 of them so they can grow together. They are adorable and are my kids lol. My pug unfortunately passed away a few weeks ago and it really crushed me.

I won’t ramble too much in this post but I hope some of you still come and check in. I’d like to get back into writing and reading and do something for me. This was my safe haven for a while and I hope it can be again.

Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

Still waiting

I am completely over this moving experience. It has been almost a month and we still haven’t moved in yet. The workers are supposed to have everything done by Tuesday but M has to work wed and thur so we can’t actually move in til then. The house is a mess because there are boxes everywhere.

My son started school this past Wednesday and so far I am not happy with his teacher. The first day he got kicked in the eye by another child. I was not notified until my son came home crying. She didn’t even send him to the nurse. We took him to the emergency room and it had scratched his cornea. I spoke to the teacher and she tried to say he was overreacting and rubbing it. Well yea he rubbed it, it hurt! Thursday seemed to go better but Friday he came home and had peed his pants because the teacher made him stand by the swings at recess without letting him go to the bathroom. Yesterday he asked me if he was going back to school and when I told him yes he said his teacher had told him he was too big a baby to come back to school. I was beyond pissed. So I will be having yet another discussion with her and maybe the principal also.

I am at my wits end dealing with everything. And M and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. The M/s has come to a standstill and to be honest I don’t know if I want it back. There is a lot of lack of communication and trust right now.

I feel like everyone wants me to be superwoman and that just isn’t me. I can only be stretched so thin before I break. I need a clone I think. Now where can I get one of those.

Changes ahead

We are (fingers crossed) going to be moving soon. And with that move comes a lot of changes. We will have more room for one, which is wonderful. My son starts school in a little over a week, I am not ready for that at all. He is still my baby. But h being in school means more time for me. I can actually delve a little deeper into my desires. There will also hopefully be some more kinky times ahead. I’m going to try to write more since I will have time to do so. Hope I still have readers lol.

Back to Basics

Ok so a couple days ago I had some sort of wake up call. M and I had been fighting AGAIN and he told me he was leaving at the beginning of the month. I was mad and upset over something petty so told him to just go if that is what he really wanted. Well my son was in the car with us and got upset that M said he was leaving. After calming him down when we got back home I told M we are not going to do this in front of Son. We then gave each other the silent treatment until he went to work.

Once he left and I had put Son to bed I had the whole night to just think. And I decided that M and I needed to just lay everything on the table. So I wrote him a letter of sorts explaining my feelings and what I thought needed to change. I wrote it because I never seem to be able to say it without coming across as bitchy.

I won’t say everything I put in the letter, but the general concept was I wanted to go back to being his and I didn’t feel we would make it through the relationship any other way. I told him it was either figure this out and move forward, or just cut our losses and walk away.

So the next day Son went to his grandma’s house and M and I were alone. I was nervous as to how the situation would go. Evidently though he was feeling the same because before I even said anything to him he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to him and said I was his. We then sat down and I talked and he listened. Then he talked and I listened. We both agreed that we wanted to move forward and take things slow.

I think our biggest problem was when things got stressful instead of coming together we turned against each other. We became each other’s enemy.

As of now some days after the convo we haven’t argued once. I even surprised him by laying on the bed naked with my ass in the air. Needless to say I write  this with a red bottom and a smile.

The walls are closing in

Some days I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel lime I’m being pulled in so many different directions at once. I know some I bring on myself because I can’t see someone in pain without trying to do my best to help.

I love my son dearly but lately I find myself wishing I had more me time. His father is barely in the picture and usually only sees him when I take the the time to bring him there. Or he will make plans to see him and then something or some girl changes those plans. Then I’m the one that has to break my son and tell him he can’t go. And my son thinks the world of his father, which don’t get me wrong, I like that he loves him. But he seems to get all the loving and affection. Where as I,m the one always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline and rules. My son is starting to act out more lately. He sees the way M and I are with each other as of late and it seems to make it worse. I’m at my breaking point.

I have no friends that I can just vent to or just hang out with to just breathe. The bills just keep piling up and the house keeps getting more things wrong with it. M is very distant and unconcerned with how I feel. He tells me I just need to grow up and deal.

I have a friend that is a guy who thinks himself in love with me. He tries so hard to get me to leave and be with him. But last night I told him point blank, if I do leave M it won’t be to go to someone else. My whole life I have been someone’s something. I was my parents daughter. Then I was my abusive ex’s whatever you want to call it. Then I was and still am my son’s mommy. And now I am M’s gf/slave/property depending on his mood that day. I don’t even really know who I am. After being there for everyone else I never seem to have any time to just breathe and figure out what I want.

My mom is in the hospital right now and I worry about her. She is forgetting things and seeing people that aren’t there. I think it’s her mess but I worry that the effects are unfixable. There are days she will call me and tell me the same thing multiple times. Or she will forget that someone was there visiting completely. How long will this go on before she forgets who we are? And my grandma is taking care of herself plus my youngest sister’s baby. I let my son go visit her when she wants him, but I don’t make her raise my child like my sister seems ok with doing.

My counseling seems to be my only help. I go weekly to talk with her. Sometimes I wish it was daily. I feel like things just keep piling on and I don’t know how much more I can take. Something has to give, or I’m going to just break.