Memories

I follow quite a few blogs on here. One of which is someone I especially enjoy reading. I would mention her here but I’m not sure how to do it with my phone. So I apologize for that.

Recently, she has been talking about public spankings. I had commented telling her how it has always been a fantasy of mine to he spanked and taken in hand in a public place. But, after thinking about, I realize that I have been spanked in front of others. It wasn’t a public place per say, but it was in front of a trusted friend that knew about my relationship.

It was not long after M moved here, he said we needed to take care of things with said friend. The back story to that is before M moved up here, he had given me permission to drink with this friend at her house. The conditions from both M and her Sir were that we were not to get too drunk. Well, that seemed like a good thing to agree to at the time. Now my friend and I have been friends since we were 5, so we tended to go a little overboard with our nights sometimes. This night was no exception. Long story short, we drank way too much that night and we were in trouble.

Her Sir and M were both very dissapointed in us, and decided that since we did the deed together we should be punished together. Since M wasn’t here at the time, she got her punishment before me. But I was told I had to kneel and watch it happen. So I obeyed and did just that.

About a week or so later M came up to live with me. We went to my friend’s house for my part of the punishment.

Thankfully, I wasn’t made to take anything down. But he did have me place my hands on the wall and spread my legs a little. He spanked me with his belt. I can’t remember now how many it was. What I do remember is the humiliation that came from not only my friend watching, but her Sir also. After my punishment I had to apologize to her Sir for both my behavior and for disrespecting his home.

Part of me hated that embarrassment of others seeing. But part of me was very turned on. I don’t know how it is for others when they are spanked, but I always get very wet. This was not any different. Even though I am not a fan of the pain aspect much, and am a huge squirmer, certain parts are traitors and enjoy it.

M always likes to feel to see how wet my spankings make me. My brain says one thing, but my body says another. There is a little bit of humiliation involved with that also. And I both love and hate that.

So thank you for the inspiration for the post. And thank you readers for coming to read.

Distance

I was reading another person’s blog a moment ago, and it really made me think. The blog was about d/s without living together. So I decided to write about my own experience.

When M and I first met we lived in different states. I was in college full time and also taking care of a 3 year old. So, needless to say, I was far from feeling submissive. This is my first experience with anything to do with BDSM.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me personally, it was actually easier on me. I was able to live my life during the day as mommy and college student, but also able to come home at night and webcam with M. There were also little things throughout the day, texts mostly. I would text him on breaks or when he wanted me to ask permission for certaim things.

At night, I would put my son to bed and get on cam with M and that is when I could slip into slave mode. I would talk to him about my day, and so would he. We would talk about any problems that had come up. and even though it was mundane everyday stuff, there was still that undercurrent of something more. He would have me do different things for him. Sometimes it was something as simple as having me call him sir or master. Other times it was putting nipple clamps on and masturbating for his viewing. I think that was probably one of the harder things for me to do. It was embarrassing to be completely under his eye as I did the things he asked me to while I touched myself. That is when I realized that I get turned on by humiliation. It was awkward to masturbate for him, but at the same time it turned me on to do it.

It was both easier and harder to have this type of relationship long distance. It was harder because I longed to be in his arms and feel him physically there with me. But also it was easier, because right or wrong to feel this way, part of me knew that if it went too far, or too intense, that I could just turn the cam off. I was able to do more for him over cam than it would have went in person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done these things in person, but it would have been more of a struggle to do them out of shyness.

So, for me, I wouldn’t go back and change the long distance part of our relationship. It was exactly what I needed to explore my newly budding submissive nature. And it helped M know that I was the one he truly wanted to take to the next level.

People that judge

I was on fetlife tonight and came across a group about kinky play vs abuse. I looked through it expecting to find an informed person trying to help people differentiate between the two.

What I saw instead was a girl with a personal vendetta. Now I’m not saying I blame her for feeling the way she did. Apparently her sister was in an abusive relationship and when she tried to leave he killed her. So yes, I can understand why she would be upset about abuse. But to come on a site like fetlife and accuse everyone that was physical with their significant other of being abusive is completely unfair.

As I habe mentioned before I was in an abusive relationship for 8 months. It was in no way consensual or wanted. Was that abuse? Yes.

Now, I have been with M  for almost 3 years now. I’m sure that to someone that is not into what we do would think it is abuse. But it is not. Are there some similarities between what my ex did and what M does? Yea, but the very huge difference here is consent.

I gave my consent to M to be my master. I entered into a relationship with him as his slave with a sound mind. I knew what I was getting into. Honestly, I looked forward to the pain aspect.

Normally, I keep quiet and just silently lurk on posts. But this instance made me angry. For someone to sit there and say that even if I did consent I was obviously not mentally capable of making that decision. And that anyone that enjoyed inflicting pain was an abuser hiding behind the pretense of kink. That is ridiculous.

Are there people that abuse the concept of bdsm for their own issues? Yes, but the same can be said for any type of relationship.

Another thing that bothered me was she was insinuating that how far is too far. How long would it be before the top snapped and actually killed the bottom. That is also an insult to not only the top, but to the bottom. Most people in these relationships go into them knowing their partner. To jump into any relationship, be it kinky or otherwise, is very risky. There has to be trust established before just handing your control over to someone else. You give your consent to someone that you know is not a serial killer.

That’s what I never understood about people like her and the ones that say things like “What if he decides to cut your arm off, do you consent to that?” Well I seriously hope that you would not put yourself into the control of someone you felt was capable of wanting to do that. That should be a no brainer that you don’t consent to that. If that even has to be a question asked of a person then my advise is to run far far away.

I just wish that those people would stop their protests long enough to do some research and actually talk to the “poor, helpless slaves” that they think need rescuing. I am in no need of a rescuer. Actually if anything I need someone to talk M into doing a little more beating over here. 🙂

Longing

For the longest time I have been experiencing a low sex drive. I would go through the motions with M but never really fully committed. I’m not sure if it was meds I was taking or just an internal struggle with myself. I was even thinkimg it was M. Through our whole relationship sex had never been an issue with us. Even if we were not liking each other much outside the bedroom we could still come together and have great sex. But even that was going away. I know with me taking the shot to put me in menopause could have a factor in it as well.

But I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t really any of those things.

I was struggling with myself. I had completely rebelled against the submissive nature. I wanted my independence and I didn’t

need to listen to any man to tell me what to do. I had voices in my head of my family telling me I shouldn’t take his controlling ways. That I should just walk away and find someone else. And for a little bit I let those voices define me. I refused to let him have the upper hand. I refused to let him into my mind or heart as anything other than an equal.

But then…….

Something happened. I couldn’t tell you what it was. I can’t explain it at all. But it was like something switched on in my brain. I stopped looking at him as the enemy and forced my family’s voices out of my head.

And now I find myself longing.

I’m longing for his hand in my hair as he jerks my face to his for a kiss.

I’m longing for his hands to find my breasts and pinch and caress them.

I’m longing for his belt or crop to make his marks of ownership on my body.

But most of all I am longing to delight in the magic of submission. To let go of the depression and stress I have put on myself by denying my true wants and desires.

I am longing to be his.

Back to Basics

Ok so a couple days ago I had some sort of wake up call. M and I had been fighting AGAIN and he told me he was leaving at the beginning of the month. I was mad and upset over something petty so told him to just go if that is what he really wanted. Well my son was in the car with us and got upset that M said he was leaving. After calming him down when we got back home I told M we are not going to do this in front of Son. We then gave each other the silent treatment until he went to work.

Once he left and I had put Son to bed I had the whole night to just think. And I decided that M and I needed to just lay everything on the table. So I wrote him a letter of sorts explaining my feelings and what I thought needed to change. I wrote it because I never seem to be able to say it without coming across as bitchy.

I won’t say everything I put in the letter, but the general concept was I wanted to go back to being his and I didn’t feel we would make it through the relationship any other way. I told him it was either figure this out and move forward, or just cut our losses and walk away.

So the next day Son went to his grandma’s house and M and I were alone. I was nervous as to how the situation would go. Evidently though he was feeling the same because before I even said anything to him he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to him and said I was his. We then sat down and I talked and he listened. Then he talked and I listened. We both agreed that we wanted to move forward and take things slow.

I think our biggest problem was when things got stressful instead of coming together we turned against each other. We became each other’s enemy.

As of now some days after the convo we haven’t argued once. I even surprised him by laying on the bed naked with my ass in the air. Needless to say I write  this with a red bottom and a smile.

The walls are closing in

Some days I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel lime I’m being pulled in so many different directions at once. I know some I bring on myself because I can’t see someone in pain without trying to do my best to help.

I love my son dearly but lately I find myself wishing I had more me time. His father is barely in the picture and usually only sees him when I take the the time to bring him there. Or he will make plans to see him and then something or some girl changes those plans. Then I’m the one that has to break my son and tell him he can’t go. And my son thinks the world of his father, which don’t get me wrong, I like that he loves him. But he seems to get all the loving and affection. Where as I,m the one always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline and rules. My son is starting to act out more lately. He sees the way M and I are with each other as of late and it seems to make it worse. I’m at my breaking point.

I have no friends that I can just vent to or just hang out with to just breathe. The bills just keep piling up and the house keeps getting more things wrong with it. M is very distant and unconcerned with how I feel. He tells me I just need to grow up and deal.

I have a friend that is a guy who thinks himself in love with me. He tries so hard to get me to leave and be with him. But last night I told him point blank, if I do leave M it won’t be to go to someone else. My whole life I have been someone’s something. I was my parents daughter. Then I was my abusive ex’s whatever you want to call it. Then I was and still am my son’s mommy. And now I am M’s gf/slave/property depending on his mood that day. I don’t even really know who I am. After being there for everyone else I never seem to have any time to just breathe and figure out what I want.

My mom is in the hospital right now and I worry about her. She is forgetting things and seeing people that aren’t there. I think it’s her mess but I worry that the effects are unfixable. There are days she will call me and tell me the same thing multiple times. Or she will forget that someone was there visiting completely. How long will this go on before she forgets who we are? And my grandma is taking care of herself plus my youngest sister’s baby. I let my son go visit her when she wants him, but I don’t make her raise my child like my sister seems ok with doing.

My counseling seems to be my only help. I go weekly to talk with her. Sometimes I wish it was daily. I feel like things just keep piling on and I don’t know how much more I can take. Something has to give, or I’m going to just break.

A whole lot of nothing

I just realized it’s been over a month since my last post. I haven’t posted because there is really nothing to post. This ha have stopped here. There is no more bdsm for me. I’m not really sure why to be honest. There is still that desire there but at the same time a bit of selfishness on my part.
I don’t feel like I’m getting my needs met while he was. So we’ve come to a silent agreement to just stop for a while. We barely even kiss anymore. It’s mostly just arguing and ignoring each other. I worry we may be coming to an end.

There is also a lot going on in my life besides M also. My mom is not doing very well. She’s not really sick in a physical sense. But she is starting to worry us with her memory and they think she may have parkinsons now. I know it probably sounds horrible but I worry that taking care of her is going to all fall on me. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t mind helping care for her. But my family tends to push it all at me and forget that I have my own life and family also. I’m mentally exhausted.

And to top it all off my 5 year old son is starting to have self esteem issues. He is scared to try anything new with other kids for fear of not being liked. He told me he doesn’t want to go to kindergarten this year. And it took us a while to convince him that t-ball would be fun. He is starting to have signs of maybe having ocd also. I’m unsure as to how to help him and get through to him what an amazing boy he is. My counselor and I think part of it may be because his dad lets him down a lot. He makes plans and then cancels them. And he and M butt heads a lot too. So I sometimes worry that I am damaging my kid by having these factors in his life.

My shots to stop the endometriosis seem to be working ok. I haven’t felt any pain lately and the only negative is the hot flashes and crying. I cry all the time over the silliest things. I don’t know if it is entirely the shot though. I feel like I’m being pulled in 20 directions at once.

So I guess I can leave it up to whoever still reads here. I can either write about things as they happen and it might be a little whiny. Or I can just wait til things get figured out. Also I guess this month is Q&A month so if any of you have any questions just comment here or you can email me at slavev916@yahoo.com