Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

The walls are closing in

Some days I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel lime I’m being pulled in so many different directions at once. I know some I bring on myself because I can’t see someone in pain without trying to do my best to help.

I love my son dearly but lately I find myself wishing I had more me time. His father is barely in the picture and usually only sees him when I take the the time to bring him there. Or he will make plans to see him and then something or some girl changes those plans. Then I’m the one that has to break my son and tell him he can’t go. And my son thinks the world of his father, which don’t get me wrong, I like that he loves him. But he seems to get all the loving and affection. Where as I,m the one always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline and rules. My son is starting to act out more lately. He sees the way M and I are with each other as of late and it seems to make it worse. I’m at my breaking point.

I have no friends that I can just vent to or just hang out with to just breathe. The bills just keep piling up and the house keeps getting more things wrong with it. M is very distant and unconcerned with how I feel. He tells me I just need to grow up and deal.

I have a friend that is a guy who thinks himself in love with me. He tries so hard to get me to leave and be with him. But last night I told him point blank, if I do leave M it won’t be to go to someone else. My whole life I have been someone’s something. I was my parents daughter. Then I was my abusive ex’s whatever you want to call it. Then I was and still am my son’s mommy. And now I am M’s gf/slave/property depending on his mood that day. I don’t even really know who I am. After being there for everyone else I never seem to have any time to just breathe and figure out what I want.

My mom is in the hospital right now and I worry about her. She is forgetting things and seeing people that aren’t there. I think it’s her mess but I worry that the effects are unfixable. There are days she will call me and tell me the same thing multiple times. Or she will forget that someone was there visiting completely. How long will this go on before she forgets who we are? And my grandma is taking care of herself plus my youngest sister’s baby. I let my son go visit her when she wants him, but I don’t make her raise my child like my sister seems ok with doing.

My counseling seems to be my only help. I go weekly to talk with her. Sometimes I wish it was daily. I feel like things just keep piling on and I don’t know how much more I can take. Something has to give, or I’m going to just break.

First post of the New Year

First off, happy New Year to all of my readers that still come here. I’m going to be writing more I promise.

I know that some of you have wondered how things went at the doctor. Well when I went on the 27th to see the surgeon, she said that there really wouldn’t be a point in having the surgery to remove scar tissue, because more than likely the scar tissue would come back. So, luckily I don’t have to have surgery now, but the alternative isn’t much fine either. She said the pain is most likely coming from the endometriosis that was found during my ovary removal. Her solution is for me to start getting a shot once a month that will help get rid of it. She explained to me that endometriosis feeds off of the estrogen that women naturally produce. This shot is actually a estrogen blocker. So I get the shot and it essentially throws me into a fake menopause. My body will still produce estrogen, but it won’t think that it is, so the endo will die off. Thankfully, I only have to have the shot once a month, because it is $700 per shot. My insurance covers it since they have proof that I need it from my last surgery. I go in Monday for my first stick. The bad side to this is that since my body is in fake menopause I will have no periods or chances of getting pregnant. So for the next 6 months I still don’t get to be pregnant.

Another thing that I talked to her about was the fact that I have been taking a pill for losing weight, cut way down on my food intake, and also have been a lot more active, yet my weight is not going down or up. She asked me if I had the history of PCOS, and when I said yes I’ve had it for years, she said that was exactly what the issue was. So all the people that have talked shit about my weight and said shit about it not being hard to lose weight can kiss my ass. I’ve been doing everything but starving myself to lose, and it has moved. She told me point blank that only a ridiculous amount of exercise at least 5 days a week can even make any kind of dent.

A huge change that is going on right now besides my health, is that M may have gotten a really big job. He has been working for a company through a temp service and the boss told him to apply for the actual company. He did and got a phone interview the other day, because they are based in Virginia, and we live no where close to that area. The interviewer told him that he will check his references and get back to him. We are both extremely excited about this. If he gets it he will be making at least $23/hr up to $35 just starting out. The only down side is that the job calls for a lot of travel, so he won’t be home very often. But, we went months without seeing each other in the beginning of our relationship, so I’m sure we can do this too. He loves the work, and I will get to enjoy time alone with my son without worrying about bills or outside things. Plus, I get to stay at home and be a homemaker like I’ve been wanting to do.

This year is definitely starting to look up for myself and my family. There have been a lot of ups and downs last year, but I have grown and become a better and stronger person because of those experiences. I feel absolutely blessed right now.

It’s all about the mindset

M and I had a huge discussion the other night. Since he is finished with school now we have time to focus on us. We talked for a couple hours about what was wrong with the relationship and what steps needed to be taken to fix things. Both of us knew we wanted to keep the dynamic of M/s because neither of us are good at vanilla. Hell, even with him I can’t seem to get off unless there is some kind of pain involved. I know some people can go back and forth and be just as happy, but not me.

I have been talking to my counselor for a while about what I need from a relationship. At one point I was considering leaving M to go find what I wanted. But I’ve realized that my biggest reason for disliking my relationship had nothing to do with M or me. I have had a lot of people, ex-friends and family trying to tell me what I need to do to be happy. But at the end of the day no one’s opinion but mine and M’s really matters. I do talk to my son to an extent to see if he is happy and content, but obviously with him being 5 he’s content if he gets chocolate milk with lunch.

Talking to my counselor made me realize that the only way I’m going to be happy is if I’m either a sub or a slave. I have always been in charge of everyone else since I was about 10 years old. I raised my sisters while my mom and step-dad partied at the bars. Then I helped take care of my other siblings when my dad remarried and had children. And I’ve babysat for multiple kids. All the way up until high school when I met my abusive ex, (I will call him D from now on). Then I took care of his baby brother for his mom. So, there have been a lot of kids in my life, even before I became a mother.

On the subject of D, I have wondered for years what it was that made me stay with him for so long. I mean there were some of the cliches that come with an abusive relationship, low self-worth, fear, blind love, but there was more than that. Then, after thinking about it, toward the end, I honestly think part of me liked it. At 17 I had no idea what BDSM even was. I lived a pretty sheltered life up until high school. I was a book worm and a band geek, and fat, none of which makes you too attractive to the boys. So when I noticed that I liked it a little bit, I felt ashamed and tried my best to just hide those feelings away. Obviously, abuse is never OK, but I wonder if I would have known about BDSM if I would have given my consent.

Anyway, my point in all that back story is because of the mixture of always being in charge and the memories of what I enjoyed about my past relationship, I need to be able to give up control. I need to have someone say this is how things need to be. I crave the pain of spankings and hair pulling and choking. I love the submissive feeling that washes over me when I’m put in my place. I feel safe, and loved, and almost like a little girl again.

So with that mindset I told M all of that. And now, so far, things have been back to how they were in the beginning. Before I let friends and family tell me how I should think and feel about him. He has his faults, but so do I. But I have made a commitment to him, and my son loves him. I can’t do that to him or myself. To me a Master slave relationship is so much more commitment than a regular vanilla relationship. There is a lot more trust involved, and there is a lot more caring about the other person’s feeling. At least in my experience, all my vanilla relationships were about what I could get out of it. Was I getting this and this, without any regard to what the other person really needed. And it was the same for the guy. Even now I see other friends who are in vanilla relationships that are so selfish. They even expect the guy to say specific phrases to them. If they get an apology it has to be worded the way they want it to be or there is an even bigger fight. It’s ridiculous to me. There are way more important things to a relationship that flowers or whether or not they said baby at the end of the I’m sorry.

Sorry this is so long, but I have had a lot things going through my head and needed to get it all out. I am one happy, bruised slave today. And M has already found some work, which is great. The funny thing is I really don’t have any friends anymore, and I’ve cut off from my family a little bit, and I couldn’t be happier.

Quickie

Just a quick update before bed. I go see the surgeon on the 27th of next month. Idk for sure there will be surgery but it’s looking pretty likely. I’m nervous but ready to get this done at the same time. I really want to go back to work or school neither of which can be done right now.

I went and talked to the school and because of my past situations with school I have to go appeal my financial aid. Which is fine but my mom needs to get her records of being hospitalized and leaving my niece to my care. So I have to wait until next semester to do anything. But my son will be starting school next fall so that will be a plus.

Pity Party for One

Today has been a very down day for me, and since I lack the friends to go and talk to about this, I am going to just dump it all into a nice little pity party. You are all invited, feel free to bring your own confetti and balloons, I’m too moody to get them.

I get on my Facebook today and see that one of my friends on there, who is family of my ex, is excited about being a great aunt. Which, yea baby, so I should be happy right? Well this is the ex that abused me. He is the one that I have went through hell and back to get over and past. I still to this day have flashbacks and nightmares about all the things he’s done to me, and it’s been 7 years. And I get that people change, and I’m sure he’s not the asshole he was back when I dated him in high school. But…..why should he get all the happiness? Why do people like that get good things? Where is karma when I need her? He got to graduate high school, got his college paid completely for him, is engaged and now has a daughter, who is adorable. Even now thinking about it I’m pissed and crying.

I want nothing more than to get married and have more children. My son constantly asks when I’m gonna have a sister or brother for him. Or his new thing, because he knows I probably won’t have anymore, is to ask me if it makes me sad that I can’t have anymore, and it hurts. He is 5 and yet, sometimes, he has the mind of someone much older. I try my best to hide that sadness from him, but since it has been only me and him for so long, he picks up on it.

I went to my counselor today and talked to her for the last time. I finally found someone I felt comfortable enough to talk to about EVERYTHING in my life, BDSM included. She is moving to Chicago and Thursday is her last day. So I get to start over with someone new, which I hate. I told her about the dreams that ranged from memories to us getting back together. She told me she thinks that the get back together dreams weren’t so much that I wanted HIM back, as I wanted the love and happiness I felt back then, before the abuse. I will probably make my next post on here a little back story about him and what I went through so it’s not so confusing.

And then I get a phone call from my GYNO and she says that the lab results came back fine, which is good, but if I started having irregular bleeding to call them. I rolled my eyes and told her that I had never STOPPED having irregular bleeding. Her response was “oh.” So now I have to go back to her tomorrow afternoon for yet another exam. I really don’t see what else they can do. They have poked and prodded me too many times to count and are still coming up with nothing. I am tired of bleeding, and hurting, and feeling light headed. I have no strength anymore. I’m just sick of tired of being sick and tired.

O and to top all this off, there is a bunch of family drama that I’m not even going to attempt to cover here in this post. And M is oblivious to anything pertaining to me and how I’m feeling.

So thanks for coming to the party, feel free to close the door when you leave I’m going to go bury my head under the covers.

Update

I had to go to the ER the other night and they did some tests on me. They said my white blood cell count is still elevated and that my thyroid is borderline. I’m not sure what that means to a full extent yet. They put me on iron pills since I’m still bleeding. I go Wednesday to get an ultrasound on my ovary and uterus to see if the cysts are back or if there are any polyps on my uterus that could be causing the pain and bleeding. Yesterday I started having a lot of lower stomach pain, I’m trying to hold out until Wednesday when they will be checking on things again anyway. 

Work has been pretty hectic, still trying to figure out all the different things that need done. I’m in charge of fitting rooms so I have to help people with their items, go around and fix clothes racks in all the clothes departments, deal with returns and also answer phones. Apparently fitting room also is the store operator so I have to transfer calls to other departments. I get my own walkie talkie and everything lol. It’s definitely a lot more hectic than just standing around helping people. But so far I’m enjoying it. Everyone I work with and have been around likes me. I tend to get along with most people though unless they just don’t want to be nice.

M has been helping with my son a lot more, and my son has started to get into a routine of how things are starting to go since I’m working now. Other than my stupid health crap I gotta say my life is going pretty good. I’m really thankful for the people that are in my life. And that includes you readers who come and read about my little corner of the world. Now that a lot of the negative is cut out of everything and I’ve stopped talking to the ones that were causing drama in my life, things are looking up. I’m thinking about trying to finish my degree come spring term. 

I will try to write some more later on when I find out more about what is wrong with me. Good night everyone.