Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

New things are on the horizon

I got a phone call yesterday, and I have the job! I start Tuesday for orientation. I’m so happy to finally be working. And I’m proud of myself for getting out and making changes for my life. I start out at minimum wage, but they told me that depending on how things go, I may get switched over to a higher pay grade. At this point, any money is better than no money. I’ve decided I’m going to put back my first few pay checks to put a down payment on a car. I figure that with mine and M’s money, there will be plenty to pay for the necessities and have some extra for me to make payments. M told me he was proud of me too, because I did this all on my own. Nobody helped me out, I worked hard for this. And my family is being really good about taking care of my son when I start work. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come.

The other day after I got the call that I needed to come in for a third interview, M decided to go ahead and get my hair done that night. Well, I knew that my hair color was pretty bad. And I had to get rid of the blue that was in it for work. So M said that I could just have them do a full makeover on my hair to get it actually looking professional. He ended up spending over $130 on it. The girl that did my hair was absolutely great. She told me that they would fix me up. She was not happy with the person that did my hair last. Her exact words were she obviously didn’t know what she was doing. Which was funny to me, because the person that did thinks that she is the best thing ever. I didn’t want to tell her when she did it that I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be rude and hurt her feelings. But I wish I never would have let her touch it. The hairdresser said that one strand of hair had at least 4 different colors stacked on top of each other from where there were poorly done touch ups. And the reason that my hair looked so bad was that and also the fact that when the girl that did it before did my highlights she hadn’t done it correctly. I guess I just thought that since she had her cosmetology license that she would actually do it right. I had been letting her do my cut and color for quite a while, but I kept having to go and pay money to get the cut fixed, and so was just letting her do color. Well M said that even if me and that girl ever talk again, she is NOT to touch my hair.

They had to do a bleach wash on it, and do highlights with brown between it. It took 3 1/2 hours to do it because there was so much to fix. It was ridiculous. But in the end my hair is looking great. I love it now, and it has some nice fall colors in it. M paid for it but was not happy. I also got to go and buy some clothes for work, because at Walmart you have to wear certain colors neither of which did I have in my closet. He also splurged and I got a new pair of shoes since I will be on my feet all day. The ones I had, I’ve had for over 3 years of constant wear. They were a cheap pair I had to buy last minute. But these new ones, o man, they are like walking on clouds.

On another note, my son lost his front tooth yesterday. He was so excited when the tooth fairy came. And now he talks with a little lisp. It’s adorable. He isn’t too happy that mommy won’t be home with him full time, but I feel like he is old enough now that I can start to branch out. I have been a stay at home mom since he was born, by my choice. And even though I’ve caught a lot of shit for it, because, you know, how horrible that I want to be the one that raises my child. But it’s time for mommy to work and show him the example of working for things and not getting them handed to you.

Tuesday is going to be busy for me. I have the job orientation (which I get paid for) from 8-2:30 and then have to go straight from there to my appointment with my women’s health doctor. They want to see what has been making me feel the way I do. With me having the PCOS and getting the cysts constantly, they are worried about it being cancer. I was looking around doing some research on my symptoms and was a little nervous to find out that I fit most of the symptoms of ovarian cancer. Since 3-4 people in my mom’s side of the family have died of breast cancer in the past 10 years, it has me worried. I didn’t realize that breast cancer in the family put you at risk for ovarian cancer also. I really hope they get things figured out. The dizzy spells and lower stomach pain keeps getting worse, and when they took blood the other day for a blood count, they had trouble finding my vein. *sigh* If it’s not one thing it’s another.

Needless to say haven’t had much time to work on kink. No fun time for this slave, and no thoughts of my Arriana story. I will let everyone know how everything goes. I’m off to bed now, 5 year olds get up really early for a night owl like me. Good night all.

Here is a pic of me and my new hair style:

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True Friends

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This picture made me stop and think about all the friends that I have in my life. I’ve let too many people into my life that weren’t true friends, and I think that is part of my problem. I’m one of those people that leaves that door open for people to keep coming back. I need to start closing the door on people  and quit giving them extra chances. If you can’t accept me for who and what I am then you really have no place in my life. 

The following is inspired by real life events…..

I just got back from visiting my family out of town. I got to help with my new niece, who is cute as a button. I also saw my grandma and my sister while I was down there. It was nice to get out my own 4 walls for awhile.

I also used the time away from M to think over some things that I have mentioned on here about our fighting. I realized that I have placed a lot of the blame on him. Some of which shouldn’t have been put on him. I also have made things harder than they needed to be.

(Side note* Whoever keeps running and telling this person that I speak about on here, you can go ahead and tell them this part too.)

I let a lot of people influence my decisions with M. This person included. She was one of those people that if you didn’t do things her way then you were just wrong. So, I would hang out with her and then she would run her mouth the whole time about how SHE wouldn’t do this, or She wouldn’t do that. So I let her words get into my head and I started thinking, maybe she’s right. But looking back now, I realize that in the long run, she was just trying to make me be miserable too. Just because I follow M’s lead on things instead of having this warped view that I should be spoiled and get everything that I want materialistically doesn’t mean my way is wrong. I’m getting tired of people coming to me and saying things about how she’s running her mouth yet again. Yes, I get it, she has a job, which I don’t. She finished school, which I didn’t. She weighs less than I do, but she also doesn’t have PCOS which causes irregular weight, including when you are young before puberty even hits. She left and put her and her kids through moving schools and going in and out of homeless shelters, which I refuse to do to my kid.  She made her choices, I made mine. That doesn’t by any means make her a better person, or a better parent than me.

So whoever is reading my blog and running off to inform her, just grow up and stop. I don’t give one fuck about how she is doing. I am happy, and so is my kid. This will be the last entry that I waste my time talking about her. I just really needed to get this off my chest, because honestly, I’m tired of grown ass adults acting like they are in high school, and thriving off of drama. For shit’s sake, mind your own business and live your life.

But anyway, back to what I was saying before, I’m going to try to work on things that I have let impede my judgement. I need to not worry about what my family, or anyone else, thinks about how I live. I make mistakes, but guess what I’m human. No one here or anywhere else should be talking about me. What is that saying about people shouldn’t throw stones that live in glass houses, or something like that?

I went to the doctor yesterday, because I have been (TMI warning) bleeding for 3 weeks straight. I’m starting to get dizzy and keep falling over because I’m losing so much blood. They gave me a pregnancy test to see if maybe I was having a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, but luckily it wasn’t either of those. But, now, we have no idea what it is that’s making me do this. I am worried that I will have to have a hysterectomy at the age of 24. It sucks because there are some people I know that can pop out 3 or 4 kids and not even take care of them, or leave them with other people to raise because they feel like their lives would be easier. And here I am, doing the best I possibly can to make sure my son knows he is loved and wanted, and I want to give him a sibling so much it hurts. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. And adoption isn’t really an option as of this point in time, so I have to just put my big girl panties on and deal.

That’s why BDSM means so much to me, because while I’m being whipped, or spanked, or flogged, or fucked silly, I can forget about all the problems I have. I don’t feel fat, or ugly, or unwanted when I am focusing on service for M. It makes life a little easier to live at times when I just want to give up.

Thank you all so much for being readers here, whether you are a regular, or just someone that happened to find me searching around. It’s crazy how many views I’ve had, and I didn’t have to post ridiculous tags, or post my blog around like an ad in the newspaper lol. Some people I read do that, but to me the views don’t matter. I’m not doing this for popularity, or attention. This is my real life, my real emotions, and my real decisions. Please don’t hesitate to send me a message or comment on my posts. I try to respond to every one that I get.

Good Friends Are Hard to Find

I am a bit of a loner and have been for a while now. And for very good reason. I get tired of two-faced people. Those people that only want you around when it conveniences them. The people who have the nerve to say things about your mothering when they have their own issues. I could sit here and bad mouth this person but I’m not sinking to that level. If anyone ever has a problem with me I would expect you to email me or call me if you know me personally instead of hiding behind a post. I have other things to worry about than whether or not someone wants to be in my life. And this blog is about things that matter to me. Am I disappointed that once again I let this person BACK into my life after doubting if it would even play out? Yes, but am I surprised, no. I told M when this person started talking to me again, “Here we go again. Wonder how long it will be before they play the better than me card.” Every time I came home from their house I was in a worse mood than when I left here.

I have made choices in my life that I’m not proud of, but at least it is my choice. I have not had opportunities just thrown out to me. When I make a commitment to someone I don’t just throw them out of my life because of a bad day. Has M’s and my relationship been the best? No, but at least we are still trying. I have a son that is involved in this relationship also. I don’t think that there should be a revolving door of countless men in his life. Or better yet 2 men at once. I have more honor than that I guess. I refuse to try to prove myself to anyone.

So I guess once again this is the end of a friendship that I really only allowed happen so I could get out of the house for a little bit. O well, life moves on. I just wish that this person would have at least had the maturity to call me or say it face to face, but again that just shows their selfishness.

Anyway, I will hope to have more of my Arriana story in the future. And my son has a birthday party coming up. My little guy will be 5! I can’t wait. He is so big. Life goes on, and if you don’t like how I live my life then don’t contact me and waste my time. At least I got my hair done out of it I guess lol.