Need to let go

Wow it has been a while. I keep telling myself I won’t wait so long to write and then life happens.

A lot of things have happened since August. We did get the place and have moved in. We had barely been here 2 weeks and my sister had a huge falling out within her relationship. So now she, her boyfriend, and her daughter all moved in with us. And it has seemed like a huge mistake.

I was so excited to be moving into a bigger place. I was even going to have a room for just me. It was going to be a place of solace from the craziness of my day to day. Well, my sister and her boyfriend are in my solace room. My niece is 4 and is a terror. She is staying in my son’s room with him and has pretty much destroyed that room. And her mom is not lifting a finger to stop it. I have pretty much become her mommy also.

Neither of the adults do anything to help around the house. I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of raising 3 more children. And on top of that they constantly need rides to work that only M can provide. If it weren’t for the fact that she is in her third trimester they would be kicked out.

Another huge change is that my son was diagnosed as autistic. It’s not as bad as other cases, but he is definitely on the spectrum. It does explain a lot of his behaviors and how he does things. Now it is just going to be figuring out where to go next from here. Learning how to get through to him.

On another side note I had to go the er recently for some bad stomach pains. It turns out, after putting my body through hell with the shots and pills to try to get rid of all the crap in my body, I have a huge cyst on my remaining ovary. Which means that more than likely it will have to be removed also. I am not taking this well at all. And no one seems to get my being upset. Including M.

But then again lately M has not been much of a master. Honestly he hasn’t been much of anything. We fight more than ever because I refuse to stand there and be a doormat. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I know a big part of it is my sister and her family being here. But that isn’t all of it. I am the verge of just packing and leaving. There is no talking to him anymore. He refuses to have any line of communication open for me to connect with him. He spends more time criticizing me than anything else. I feel like no matter what I do it is never going to be good enough. I do things around the house and he wants to complain about what I don’t get done. He doesn’t even try to understand that I am in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. I can only take so much more before I just snap in two. I just need to figure out whether this is even worth fighting for anymore. I want it to work but I need more than just me in this relationship.

Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

Memories

I follow quite a few blogs on here. One of which is someone I especially enjoy reading. I would mention her here but I’m not sure how to do it with my phone. So I apologize for that.

Recently, she has been talking about public spankings. I had commented telling her how it has always been a fantasy of mine to he spanked and taken in hand in a public place. But, after thinking about, I realize that I have been spanked in front of others. It wasn’t a public place per say, but it was in front of a trusted friend that knew about my relationship.

It was not long after M moved here, he said we needed to take care of things with said friend. The back story to that is before M moved up here, he had given me permission to drink with this friend at her house. The conditions from both M and her Sir were that we were not to get too drunk. Well, that seemed like a good thing to agree to at the time. Now my friend and I have been friends since we were 5, so we tended to go a little overboard with our nights sometimes. This night was no exception. Long story short, we drank way too much that night and we were in trouble.

Her Sir and M were both very dissapointed in us, and decided that since we did the deed together we should be punished together. Since M wasn’t here at the time, she got her punishment before me. But I was told I had to kneel and watch it happen. So I obeyed and did just that.

About a week or so later M came up to live with me. We went to my friend’s house for my part of the punishment.

Thankfully, I wasn’t made to take anything down. But he did have me place my hands on the wall and spread my legs a little. He spanked me with his belt. I can’t remember now how many it was. What I do remember is the humiliation that came from not only my friend watching, but her Sir also. After my punishment I had to apologize to her Sir for both my behavior and for disrespecting his home.

Part of me hated that embarrassment of others seeing. But part of me was very turned on. I don’t know how it is for others when they are spanked, but I always get very wet. This was not any different. Even though I am not a fan of the pain aspect much, and am a huge squirmer, certain parts are traitors and enjoy it.

M always likes to feel to see how wet my spankings make me. My brain says one thing, but my body says another. There is a little bit of humiliation involved with that also. And I both love and hate that.

So thank you for the inspiration for the post. And thank you readers for coming to read.

Distance

I was reading another person’s blog a moment ago, and it really made me think. The blog was about d/s without living together. So I decided to write about my own experience.

When M and I first met we lived in different states. I was in college full time and also taking care of a 3 year old. So, needless to say, I was far from feeling submissive. This is my first experience with anything to do with BDSM.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me personally, it was actually easier on me. I was able to live my life during the day as mommy and college student, but also able to come home at night and webcam with M. There were also little things throughout the day, texts mostly. I would text him on breaks or when he wanted me to ask permission for certaim things.

At night, I would put my son to bed and get on cam with M and that is when I could slip into slave mode. I would talk to him about my day, and so would he. We would talk about any problems that had come up. and even though it was mundane everyday stuff, there was still that undercurrent of something more. He would have me do different things for him. Sometimes it was something as simple as having me call him sir or master. Other times it was putting nipple clamps on and masturbating for his viewing. I think that was probably one of the harder things for me to do. It was embarrassing to be completely under his eye as I did the things he asked me to while I touched myself. That is when I realized that I get turned on by humiliation. It was awkward to masturbate for him, but at the same time it turned me on to do it.

It was both easier and harder to have this type of relationship long distance. It was harder because I longed to be in his arms and feel him physically there with me. But also it was easier, because right or wrong to feel this way, part of me knew that if it went too far, or too intense, that I could just turn the cam off. I was able to do more for him over cam than it would have went in person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done these things in person, but it would have been more of a struggle to do them out of shyness.

So, for me, I wouldn’t go back and change the long distance part of our relationship. It was exactly what I needed to explore my newly budding submissive nature. And it helped M know that I was the one he truly wanted to take to the next level.

Updates

So far this shot has no bad sad effects other than being hot all the time and being a weepy mess lol. I cry over everything now. But M has been great about the whole thing. He has taken the body changes into account, while at the same time staying firm in making sure I remember my place. Things have been extremely well lately.
I did mess up the day before yesterday and was very disrespectful but he nipped that in the bud right away. He decided that he is going to start adding to the amount of spanks if he has to get onto me. For example if I mouthed off I would get 5 with the belt and would get 10 the next time and so on. Although he has threatened to use the stinkin cane if I really mess up. So I am on my best behavior until I can find a proper hiding spot for said cane. (kidding, sort of lol)

TMI Tuesdays-Naughty Fill-Ins

Naughty Fill-ins

Don’t just fill in the blanks, sex it up! Show us just how sexy, kinky, and dirty your minds can be.

1. Right now I’m thinking about spankings.
2. Tonight I’d like to have sex in the shower.
3. Master can do sexy things to me anytime.
4. The best thing to happen to me in 2014 has been getting back on track as his slave .
5. Being in his arms is one of the best feelings in the world.
6. The cane really frightens me.

Bonus: Post a photo that really turns you on and tell us why it does.

Image

This photo really turns me on because she is tied down and is helpless to his paddle. For me, I move around a lot when I get spanked and I love the thought of being tied down and made to take as much as M wants me to.

Go Here to see what other people have filled in.

It’s all about the mindset

M and I had a huge discussion the other night. Since he is finished with school now we have time to focus on us. We talked for a couple hours about what was wrong with the relationship and what steps needed to be taken to fix things. Both of us knew we wanted to keep the dynamic of M/s because neither of us are good at vanilla. Hell, even with him I can’t seem to get off unless there is some kind of pain involved. I know some people can go back and forth and be just as happy, but not me.

I have been talking to my counselor for a while about what I need from a relationship. At one point I was considering leaving M to go find what I wanted. But I’ve realized that my biggest reason for disliking my relationship had nothing to do with M or me. I have had a lot of people, ex-friends and family trying to tell me what I need to do to be happy. But at the end of the day no one’s opinion but mine and M’s really matters. I do talk to my son to an extent to see if he is happy and content, but obviously with him being 5 he’s content if he gets chocolate milk with lunch.

Talking to my counselor made me realize that the only way I’m going to be happy is if I’m either a sub or a slave. I have always been in charge of everyone else since I was about 10 years old. I raised my sisters while my mom and step-dad partied at the bars. Then I helped take care of my other siblings when my dad remarried and had children. And I’ve babysat for multiple kids. All the way up until high school when I met my abusive ex, (I will call him D from now on). Then I took care of his baby brother for his mom. So, there have been a lot of kids in my life, even before I became a mother.

On the subject of D, I have wondered for years what it was that made me stay with him for so long. I mean there were some of the cliches that come with an abusive relationship, low self-worth, fear, blind love, but there was more than that. Then, after thinking about it, toward the end, I honestly think part of me liked it. At 17 I had no idea what BDSM even was. I lived a pretty sheltered life up until high school. I was a book worm and a band geek, and fat, none of which makes you too attractive to the boys. So when I noticed that I liked it a little bit, I felt ashamed and tried my best to just hide those feelings away. Obviously, abuse is never OK, but I wonder if I would have known about BDSM if I would have given my consent.

Anyway, my point in all that back story is because of the mixture of always being in charge and the memories of what I enjoyed about my past relationship, I need to be able to give up control. I need to have someone say this is how things need to be. I crave the pain of spankings and hair pulling and choking. I love the submissive feeling that washes over me when I’m put in my place. I feel safe, and loved, and almost like a little girl again.

So with that mindset I told M all of that. And now, so far, things have been back to how they were in the beginning. Before I let friends and family tell me how I should think and feel about him. He has his faults, but so do I. But I have made a commitment to him, and my son loves him. I can’t do that to him or myself. To me a Master slave relationship is so much more commitment than a regular vanilla relationship. There is a lot more trust involved, and there is a lot more caring about the other person’s feeling. At least in my experience, all my vanilla relationships were about what I could get out of it. Was I getting this and this, without any regard to what the other person really needed. And it was the same for the guy. Even now I see other friends who are in vanilla relationships that are so selfish. They even expect the guy to say specific phrases to them. If they get an apology it has to be worded the way they want it to be or there is an even bigger fight. It’s ridiculous to me. There are way more important things to a relationship that flowers or whether or not they said baby at the end of the I’m sorry.

Sorry this is so long, but I have had a lot things going through my head and needed to get it all out. I am one happy, bruised slave today. And M has already found some work, which is great. The funny thing is I really don’t have any friends anymore, and I’ve cut off from my family a little bit, and I couldn’t be happier.