Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

New things are on the horizon

I got a phone call yesterday, and I have the job! I start Tuesday for orientation. I’m so happy to finally be working. And I’m proud of myself for getting out and making changes for my life. I start out at minimum wage, but they told me that depending on how things go, I may get switched over to a higher pay grade. At this point, any money is better than no money. I’ve decided I’m going to put back my first few pay checks to put a down payment on a car. I figure that with mine and M’s money, there will be plenty to pay for the necessities and have some extra for me to make payments. M told me he was proud of me too, because I did this all on my own. Nobody helped me out, I worked hard for this. And my family is being really good about taking care of my son when I start work. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come.

The other day after I got the call that I needed to come in for a third interview, M decided to go ahead and get my hair done that night. Well, I knew that my hair color was pretty bad. And I had to get rid of the blue that was in it for work. So M said that I could just have them do a full makeover on my hair to get it actually looking professional. He ended up spending over $130 on it. The girl that did my hair was absolutely great. She told me that they would fix me up. She was not happy with the person that did my hair last. Her exact words were she obviously didn’t know what she was doing. Which was funny to me, because the person that did thinks that she is the best thing ever. I didn’t want to tell her when she did it that I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be rude and hurt her feelings. But I wish I never would have let her touch it. The hairdresser said that one strand of hair had at least 4 different colors stacked on top of each other from where there were poorly done touch ups. And the reason that my hair looked so bad was that and also the fact that when the girl that did it before did my highlights she hadn’t done it correctly. I guess I just thought that since she had her cosmetology license that she would actually do it right. I had been letting her do my cut and color for quite a while, but I kept having to go and pay money to get the cut fixed, and so was just letting her do color. Well M said that even if me and that girl ever talk again, she is NOT to touch my hair.

They had to do a bleach wash on it, and do highlights with brown between it. It took 3 1/2 hours to do it because there was so much to fix. It was ridiculous. But in the end my hair is looking great. I love it now, and it has some nice fall colors in it. M paid for it but was not happy. I also got to go and buy some clothes for work, because at Walmart you have to wear certain colors neither of which did I have in my closet. He also splurged and I got a new pair of shoes since I will be on my feet all day. The ones I had, I’ve had for over 3 years of constant wear. They were a cheap pair I had to buy last minute. But these new ones, o man, they are like walking on clouds.

On another note, my son lost his front tooth yesterday. He was so excited when the tooth fairy came. And now he talks with a little lisp. It’s adorable. He isn’t too happy that mommy won’t be home with him full time, but I feel like he is old enough now that I can start to branch out. I have been a stay at home mom since he was born, by my choice. And even though I’ve caught a lot of shit for it, because, you know, how horrible that I want to be the one that raises my child. But it’s time for mommy to work and show him the example of working for things and not getting them handed to you.

Tuesday is going to be busy for me. I have the job orientation (which I get paid for) from 8-2:30 and then have to go straight from there to my appointment with my women’s health doctor. They want to see what has been making me feel the way I do. With me having the PCOS and getting the cysts constantly, they are worried about it being cancer. I was looking around doing some research on my symptoms and was a little nervous to find out that I fit most of the symptoms of ovarian cancer. Since 3-4 people in my mom’s side of the family have died of breast cancer in the past 10 years, it has me worried. I didn’t realize that breast cancer in the family put you at risk for ovarian cancer also. I really hope they get things figured out. The dizzy spells and lower stomach pain keeps getting worse, and when they took blood the other day for a blood count, they had trouble finding my vein. *sigh* If it’s not one thing it’s another.

Needless to say haven’t had much time to work on kink. No fun time for this slave, and no thoughts of my Arriana story. I will let everyone know how everything goes. I’m off to bed now, 5 year olds get up really early for a night owl like me. Good night all.

Here is a pic of me and my new hair style:

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Is vanilla just going to be my flavor now?

M and I got into a huge fight last night, because 1, we were both tired, and 2, I was past my breaking point. It all started because I was talking to my grandma and had mentioned him in some of my venting to her. Well I get off the phone and it just starts snowballing from there. I tried talking to him about why I was feeling the way that I was, but all I ever get is that I’m being selfish and he has other things on his mind that takes priority. My thing is if we don’t last that other stuff doesn’t matter anyway because we won’t be here together to worry about it anymore. There has been no kink or sex since before my flogging. O wait, I take that back he did decide earlier today he wanted a quickie in the bathroom. But it’s kind of hard to enjoy it when I wasn’t even anywhere near in the mood, and my son was down the hall playing a video game, so I was listening for him the whole time.

I went to my counselor yesterday afternoon, and she told me that I need to write a list of things that I want out of this relationship and show M. But I already know that even if I do that it will get put on the back burner where everything else has gone lately. Sorry for being a whiner today lol, I’m just a little lost as to where to go from here. I’ve made a list of pros and cons and the pros win out but at the same time, the cons are really big things to me.

What do you readers think? I came into this relationship expecting kink and not having to make all the decisions. But I feel like it’s the complete opposite. I usually get final decision in most things. And I don’t want it. I feel like I’m doing my part as far as following what he expects of me. Even though we aren’t really doing anything like we used to, I still make his coffee every night. I’m the one that does the laundry, and fold it how he wants it, and hang his pants and shirts the way he wants them. All my money goes to him that I get, I have to ask him if I want to buy anything. So as far as control goes he has it in those ways. And that is what I’m clinging to right now. I keep hoping that things will turn around and more time will open up to fulfill my needs too. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s really hard because I really need some of the things emotionally that he doesn’t actually consider a need.

And one more thing before I end the pity party I’m throwing over here. People get on my nerves that say I’m jealous of them because they have money and freedom to spend that money however they want to. As I mentioned above, I came into this relationship knowing that I wasn’t going to have money. That M would get it all and decide what to do with it. So saying that is really just ignorant on their parts because they aren’t living my lifestyle. And I’m sorry, but if you spend all that money on yourself making sure you look super all the time while your kids get whatever is left then you need to reevaluate your priorities.