Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

It’s all about the mindset

M and I had a huge discussion the other night. Since he is finished with school now we have time to focus on us. We talked for a couple hours about what was wrong with the relationship and what steps needed to be taken to fix things. Both of us knew we wanted to keep the dynamic of M/s because neither of us are good at vanilla. Hell, even with him I can’t seem to get off unless there is some kind of pain involved. I know some people can go back and forth and be just as happy, but not me.

I have been talking to my counselor for a while about what I need from a relationship. At one point I was considering leaving M to go find what I wanted. But I’ve realized that my biggest reason for disliking my relationship had nothing to do with M or me. I have had a lot of people, ex-friends and family trying to tell me what I need to do to be happy. But at the end of the day no one’s opinion but mine and M’s really matters. I do talk to my son to an extent to see if he is happy and content, but obviously with him being 5 he’s content if he gets chocolate milk with lunch.

Talking to my counselor made me realize that the only way I’m going to be happy is if I’m either a sub or a slave. I have always been in charge of everyone else since I was about 10 years old. I raised my sisters while my mom and step-dad partied at the bars. Then I helped take care of my other siblings when my dad remarried and had children. And I’ve babysat for multiple kids. All the way up until high school when I met my abusive ex, (I will call him D from now on). Then I took care of his baby brother for his mom. So, there have been a lot of kids in my life, even before I became a mother.

On the subject of D, I have wondered for years what it was that made me stay with him for so long. I mean there were some of the cliches that come with an abusive relationship, low self-worth, fear, blind love, but there was more than that. Then, after thinking about it, toward the end, I honestly think part of me liked it. At 17 I had no idea what BDSM even was. I lived a pretty sheltered life up until high school. I was a book worm and a band geek, and fat, none of which makes you too attractive to the boys. So when I noticed that I liked it a little bit, I felt ashamed and tried my best to just hide those feelings away. Obviously, abuse is never OK, but I wonder if I would have known about BDSM if I would have given my consent.

Anyway, my point in all that back story is because of the mixture of always being in charge and the memories of what I enjoyed about my past relationship, I need to be able to give up control. I need to have someone say this is how things need to be. I crave the pain of spankings and hair pulling and choking. I love the submissive feeling that washes over me when I’m put in my place. I feel safe, and loved, and almost like a little girl again.

So with that mindset I told M all of that. And now, so far, things have been back to how they were in the beginning. Before I let friends and family tell me how I should think and feel about him. He has his faults, but so do I. But I have made a commitment to him, and my son loves him. I can’t do that to him or myself. To me a Master slave relationship is so much more commitment than a regular vanilla relationship. There is a lot more trust involved, and there is a lot more caring about the other person’s feeling. At least in my experience, all my vanilla relationships were about what I could get out of it. Was I getting this and this, without any regard to what the other person really needed. And it was the same for the guy. Even now I see other friends who are in vanilla relationships that are so selfish. They even expect the guy to say specific phrases to them. If they get an apology it has to be worded the way they want it to be or there is an even bigger fight. It’s ridiculous to me. There are way more important things to a relationship that flowers or whether or not they said baby at the end of the I’m sorry.

Sorry this is so long, but I have had a lot things going through my head and needed to get it all out. I am one happy, bruised slave today. And M has already found some work, which is great. The funny thing is I really don’t have any friends anymore, and I’ve cut off from my family a little bit, and I couldn’t be happier.

Changes are coming.

I apologize for the lag in posts lately. There has been a lot going on at home and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really post it out to the world. M and I are having problems yet again. But this time it’s a little different. I think we are both coming to a point where we either need to figure this out or move on. I told him today that I am giving us until January to work through things. I guess I could just up and leave now if I wanted to. But there are a lot of factors right now that are making me stop and think about waiting.

First of all M is going through finals in school. So he has been stressed to the max and has been very testy (no pun intended lol).

Also, because I’m STILL bleeding and cramping they have me on double dose of birth control yet again. This is the third time I’ve been on double dose. My hormones are going insane. I’m moody as hell. One minute I want to scream and yell and throw things, and ten minutes later I start bawling like a baby. I have cried off and on all day today.

Neither of those scenarios, in my opinion, are right situations to decide the fate of a 2 year relationship. So I told him I’m waiting until after I’ve been to the surgeon to figure things out. It’s not fair of me to make a rash decision because of hormones.

Plus, Christmas is coming up. And my son deserves a Christmas at home with his mom and M. He loves M very much and I can’t imagine what he will go through if M does leave. M left yesterday because we were fighting and my son cried and cried about it. He told me his heart was broken. I felt so bad, but M leaving was what was best at the time. I finally got the presents wrapped. Sadly, there isn’t going to be much of a Christmas this year due to low funds. But I feel happy with the gifts I got them both.

On a completely different note, I really hate this bleeding. M and I were making out like teenagers last week, and because of bleeding we couldn’t really do a whole lot because sex seems to make it worse. We haven’t had sex in almost a month now. I hate it, and I know M hates it. That may be part of our problem also lol.

I went to my counselor today because I’ve been having a lot of dreams about my abusive ex. Which of course, has made me think back on that relationship. It’s frustrating to me, because you would think after 7 years I would be past it. But the past likes to spring it’s ugly head up randomly and let me know it’s still there in my mind. Looking at my past though, I have realized that part of the reason I stayed was because I felt like he needed me, but also, because even though the control was abusive, it was also very tempting to me. Growing up I was the oldest of 3 girls, and from the age of 10 up I was taking care of everything. I was constantly in control of everything and took on a lot of responsibility. So when my ex came along and wanted to control me, I was like OK, at least I can give up control. Of course at 16 I had no clue about BDSM or power exchange, but I think back then was when it first came into my mind.

Even now, with M, I tend to want more of the control than the submission. I want that micromanagement, because it makes me feel like he has that control and I don’t anymore. I still have my family calling me daily needing something from me. And then of course, with my son being 5, he needs me too. Sometimes, I get the urge to just run away and not look back. But I know that isn’t a possibility for me. I’m needed too much by too many people. I just hope when M gets done with school we can focus more on the BDSM and less on the other things that seem to come up.

Quickie

Just a quick update before bed. I go see the surgeon on the 27th of next month. Idk for sure there will be surgery but it’s looking pretty likely. I’m nervous but ready to get this done at the same time. I really want to go back to work or school neither of which can be done right now.

I went and talked to the school and because of my past situations with school I have to go appeal my financial aid. Which is fine but my mom needs to get her records of being hospitalized and leaving my niece to my care. So I have to wait until next semester to do anything. But my son will be starting school next fall so that will be a plus.