Ugh :/

I am over everything today. There are some times that I wish I could just grab a stuffed animal and curl up in a ball and just forget that I’m a grown up.

I’m actually on my computer for a change so I can write a decent post. I never realized how hard moving could be. I found out yesterday that the place we are getting is not going to be fully ready to move into until next Wednesday. Which would not be a big deal other than the fact that it is also the day my son starts his first day of kindergarten. I haven’t even gotten him enrolled yet because I don’t know where for sure we will be living. We are supposed to get this place, but some unexpected fees have come to our attention, so I don’t know if they are going to approve it for sure. And we are moving to the complete opposite side of town, so I can’t just go ahead and enroll him until I know for sure where we are living. If we move he will go to one school, and if we don’t he goes to a completely different one.

So I call my sister who is living in the same area as where we are trying to move and she says that my son and I can stay at her house Tuesday night and get up and get my son off to school Wednesday morning if we for sure get the place. And then her girlfriend informs me that the school buses may no longer be running for this school year. There was a voting on it last spring and it was voted against continuing school buses. So even if we do get this place I will have to find some way of getting my son to school if the buses don’t run. And I should mention that I don’t drive. I have a permit and have the ability to drive physically. I just have never gotten my license and lately I get anxiety attacks behind the wheel.

I am also trying to figure things out with my son, because I recently found out he has some signs of having Asperger’s, which for those that don’t know, is a form of autism. So he has to go to a specialist once a week to see if he really has that or if he has something called gifted and talented. I’m worried about him starting school and being completely bored. He has to start school a year late because his birthday was too late in the year to start him last year. He already knows more than most kids his age group if he would have started on time. He was more than ready to start last year, but the stupid birthday stopping points got in the way. He speaks like an adult, he will be 6 next month but to see him and hear him talk you would think he was much older. I worry about whether or not he will concentrate on things. He also has other symptoms that go along with it.

This is something that I have wondered about for a while. Not Aspergers per say, but that there was something off about him. And it is something I have worried about alone. His father is not reliable at all and prefers I not talk about this with him, because he “doesn’t want to hear that shit” as he puts it. And M, well M and I are not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. And I really don’t have any friends to discuss things with because as those of you that have read for a while know, I don’t choose the best kinds of people to be friends with.

I recently had someone comment on one of my past blogs about not understanding fighting in M/s or D/s relationships. And to touch on that subject, I’m sure for a lot of you out there you don’t really argue. But, and maybe it is just me and I am a bad slave, but if you have given me ample reason to not trust that you know best, especially when it pertains to my son or living situation, then I am not going to follow what you say just because you think that I should. And that is why there are arguments for me. I don’t really trust him with the big decisions and I know that there are people that think you shouldn’t bash your Master/Dom/whatever he/she may be, but I feel like I’m going to scream if I can’t get things off my chest.

I am just beyond frustrated with everything right now. I just want to move, get my son in the school he needs to be in, get my little pug and be able to get my life moving out of this stagnant area it is in right now. And hopefully be able to find myself somewhere in the mix. Or I fear I amy end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get everything out to an unbiased avenue. I’m hoping I can actually post more after the move because I will be closer to internet access. Until then, hope everyone has great times ahead.

First post of the New Year

First off, happy New Year to all of my readers that still come here. I’m going to be writing more I promise.

I know that some of you have wondered how things went at the doctor. Well when I went on the 27th to see the surgeon, she said that there really wouldn’t be a point in having the surgery to remove scar tissue, because more than likely the scar tissue would come back. So, luckily I don’t have to have surgery now, but the alternative isn’t much fine either. She said the pain is most likely coming from the endometriosis that was found during my ovary removal. Her solution is for me to start getting a shot once a month that will help get rid of it. She explained to me that endometriosis feeds off of the estrogen that women naturally produce. This shot is actually a estrogen blocker. So I get the shot and it essentially throws me into a fake menopause. My body will still produce estrogen, but it won’t think that it is, so the endo will die off. Thankfully, I only have to have the shot once a month, because it is $700 per shot. My insurance covers it since they have proof that I need it from my last surgery. I go in Monday for my first stick. The bad side to this is that since my body is in fake menopause I will have no periods or chances of getting pregnant. So for the next 6 months I still don’t get to be pregnant.

Another thing that I talked to her about was the fact that I have been taking a pill for losing weight, cut way down on my food intake, and also have been a lot more active, yet my weight is not going down or up. She asked me if I had the history of PCOS, and when I said yes I’ve had it for years, she said that was exactly what the issue was. So all the people that have talked shit about my weight and said shit about it not being hard to lose weight can kiss my ass. I’ve been doing everything but starving myself to lose, and it has moved. She told me point blank that only a ridiculous amount of exercise at least 5 days a week can even make any kind of dent.

A huge change that is going on right now besides my health, is that M may have gotten a really big job. He has been working for a company through a temp service and the boss told him to apply for the actual company. He did and got a phone interview the other day, because they are based in Virginia, and we live no where close to that area. The interviewer told him that he will check his references and get back to him. We are both extremely excited about this. If he gets it he will be making at least $23/hr up to $35 just starting out. The only down side is that the job calls for a lot of travel, so he won’t be home very often. But, we went months without seeing each other in the beginning of our relationship, so I’m sure we can do this too. He loves the work, and I will get to enjoy time alone with my son without worrying about bills or outside things. Plus, I get to stay at home and be a homemaker like I’ve been wanting to do.

This year is definitely starting to look up for myself and my family. There have been a lot of ups and downs last year, but I have grown and become a better and stronger person because of those experiences. I feel absolutely blessed right now.

It’s all about the mindset

M and I had a huge discussion the other night. Since he is finished with school now we have time to focus on us. We talked for a couple hours about what was wrong with the relationship and what steps needed to be taken to fix things. Both of us knew we wanted to keep the dynamic of M/s because neither of us are good at vanilla. Hell, even with him I can’t seem to get off unless there is some kind of pain involved. I know some people can go back and forth and be just as happy, but not me.

I have been talking to my counselor for a while about what I need from a relationship. At one point I was considering leaving M to go find what I wanted. But I’ve realized that my biggest reason for disliking my relationship had nothing to do with M or me. I have had a lot of people, ex-friends and family trying to tell me what I need to do to be happy. But at the end of the day no one’s opinion but mine and M’s really matters. I do talk to my son to an extent to see if he is happy and content, but obviously with him being 5 he’s content if he gets chocolate milk with lunch.

Talking to my counselor made me realize that the only way I’m going to be happy is if I’m either a sub or a slave. I have always been in charge of everyone else since I was about 10 years old. I raised my sisters while my mom and step-dad partied at the bars. Then I helped take care of my other siblings when my dad remarried and had children. And I’ve babysat for multiple kids. All the way up until high school when I met my abusive ex, (I will call him D from now on). Then I took care of his baby brother for his mom. So, there have been a lot of kids in my life, even before I became a mother.

On the subject of D, I have wondered for years what it was that made me stay with him for so long. I mean there were some of the cliches that come with an abusive relationship, low self-worth, fear, blind love, but there was more than that. Then, after thinking about it, toward the end, I honestly think part of me liked it. At 17 I had no idea what BDSM even was. I lived a pretty sheltered life up until high school. I was a book worm and a band geek, and fat, none of which makes you too attractive to the boys. So when I noticed that I liked it a little bit, I felt ashamed and tried my best to just hide those feelings away. Obviously, abuse is never OK, but I wonder if I would have known about BDSM if I would have given my consent.

Anyway, my point in all that back story is because of the mixture of always being in charge and the memories of what I enjoyed about my past relationship, I need to be able to give up control. I need to have someone say this is how things need to be. I crave the pain of spankings and hair pulling and choking. I love the submissive feeling that washes over me when I’m put in my place. I feel safe, and loved, and almost like a little girl again.

So with that mindset I told M all of that. And now, so far, things have been back to how they were in the beginning. Before I let friends and family tell me how I should think and feel about him. He has his faults, but so do I. But I have made a commitment to him, and my son loves him. I can’t do that to him or myself. To me a Master slave relationship is so much more commitment than a regular vanilla relationship. There is a lot more trust involved, and there is a lot more caring about the other person’s feeling. At least in my experience, all my vanilla relationships were about what I could get out of it. Was I getting this and this, without any regard to what the other person really needed. And it was the same for the guy. Even now I see other friends who are in vanilla relationships that are so selfish. They even expect the guy to say specific phrases to them. If they get an apology it has to be worded the way they want it to be or there is an even bigger fight. It’s ridiculous to me. There are way more important things to a relationship that flowers or whether or not they said baby at the end of the I’m sorry.

Sorry this is so long, but I have had a lot things going through my head and needed to get it all out. I am one happy, bruised slave today. And M has already found some work, which is great. The funny thing is I really don’t have any friends anymore, and I’ve cut off from my family a little bit, and I couldn’t be happier.

Changes are coming.

I apologize for the lag in posts lately. There has been a lot going on at home and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really post it out to the world. M and I are having problems yet again. But this time it’s a little different. I think we are both coming to a point where we either need to figure this out or move on. I told him today that I am giving us until January to work through things. I guess I could just up and leave now if I wanted to. But there are a lot of factors right now that are making me stop and think about waiting.

First of all M is going through finals in school. So he has been stressed to the max and has been very testy (no pun intended lol).

Also, because I’m STILL bleeding and cramping they have me on double dose of birth control yet again. This is the third time I’ve been on double dose. My hormones are going insane. I’m moody as hell. One minute I want to scream and yell and throw things, and ten minutes later I start bawling like a baby. I have cried off and on all day today.

Neither of those scenarios, in my opinion, are right situations to decide the fate of a 2 year relationship. So I told him I’m waiting until after I’ve been to the surgeon to figure things out. It’s not fair of me to make a rash decision because of hormones.

Plus, Christmas is coming up. And my son deserves a Christmas at home with his mom and M. He loves M very much and I can’t imagine what he will go through if M does leave. M left yesterday because we were fighting and my son cried and cried about it. He told me his heart was broken. I felt so bad, but M leaving was what was best at the time. I finally got the presents wrapped. Sadly, there isn’t going to be much of a Christmas this year due to low funds. But I feel happy with the gifts I got them both.

On a completely different note, I really hate this bleeding. M and I were making out like teenagers last week, and because of bleeding we couldn’t really do a whole lot because sex seems to make it worse. We haven’t had sex in almost a month now. I hate it, and I know M hates it. That may be part of our problem also lol.

I went to my counselor today because I’ve been having a lot of dreams about my abusive ex. Which of course, has made me think back on that relationship. It’s frustrating to me, because you would think after 7 years I would be past it. But the past likes to spring it’s ugly head up randomly and let me know it’s still there in my mind. Looking at my past though, I have realized that part of the reason I stayed was because I felt like he needed me, but also, because even though the control was abusive, it was also very tempting to me. Growing up I was the oldest of 3 girls, and from the age of 10 up I was taking care of everything. I was constantly in control of everything and took on a lot of responsibility. So when my ex came along and wanted to control me, I was like OK, at least I can give up control. Of course at 16 I had no clue about BDSM or power exchange, but I think back then was when it first came into my mind.

Even now, with M, I tend to want more of the control than the submission. I want that micromanagement, because it makes me feel like he has that control and I don’t anymore. I still have my family calling me daily needing something from me. And then of course, with my son being 5, he needs me too. Sometimes, I get the urge to just run away and not look back. But I know that isn’t a possibility for me. I’m needed too much by too many people. I just hope when M gets done with school we can focus more on the BDSM and less on the other things that seem to come up.

Quickie

Just a quick update before bed. I go see the surgeon on the 27th of next month. Idk for sure there will be surgery but it’s looking pretty likely. I’m nervous but ready to get this done at the same time. I really want to go back to work or school neither of which can be done right now.

I went and talked to the school and because of my past situations with school I have to go appeal my financial aid. Which is fine but my mom needs to get her records of being hospitalized and leaving my niece to my care. So I have to wait until next semester to do anything. But my son will be starting school next fall so that will be a plus.

Surgery

I went to my Gyno appointment yesterday. After doing the exam and taking note of the fact that I’m STILL bleeding and I’m in worse pain than I was the last time I saw her, she informed me that I will probably be looking at surgery somewhere in the near future. She says that what it sounds like is when they took my ovary out there may have been some scarring. So they want to open me up to look around and see a more close up look at what is causing all this pain and bleeding. She said they will probably do a DNC also, which for those that don’t know what that is, it’s where they scrape away some of the lining of the uterus. So essentially they are going to reboot my cycle, since my body is deciding to be insane. She took more blood today also, because I’m anemic. Well duh! I’ve been bleeding for 3 months straight, of course I’m anemic. I’m a little nervous about it, but it won’t be my first surgery, and I’m sure it won’t be my last.

My new counselor called me today and had me come in this afternoon also. I only had about a half hour with her since it was short notice, but she seems really nice. It’s a little annoying having to fill her in on everything, when with my other counselor I could just come in and vent. She’s older than my other counselor also. Which could be good or bad. On one hand she is more experienced, but on the other will she be able to relate to my issues from my mindset? Only time will tell I guess. 

With all this other going on I’m still trying to be understanding of M and his school. But it’s a little hard to worry about that when at the moment he doesn’t seem to care about me. I told him about the surgery and he said well when is this supposed to happen? I joked that my luck it would be the day after Thanksgiving and I wouldn’t be able to eat much. His response was I have things to do that day. REALLY?!? 

There are just days that I wish I could just run away. I’m on a double dose of birth control right now to try to stop my bleeding, so that means double the hormones. I cry all the time now. And I can’t remember the last time I went out and did anything that didn’t require a shopping cart or a doctor’s exam. My son lately has decided that he would rather be with daddy instead of me. Because daddy lets him get away with murder. So of course he wants to be there because I make him mind. And I’m not gonna lie there are days that I want to just take him there and leave him for a few days just so my ex can see what it’s like to actually be a parent. He has never once in my son’s 5 years of life kept him over night. The most he keeps him is 5-6 hours and then gets tired of him. I just want to scream sometimes. I really need to find some friends or something.

Sorry for the time lapse

I finally heard back about the ultrasound and they told me that there are cysts, but none are big enough to actually do anything about, in their opinion. Which means I get to just play the waiting game. Either they will go away on their own, or it will do like it did last time and grow so big it cuts off circulation to the ovary. In the mean time, they are not going to do anything but keep me on this birth control pill they gave me. So far it has done nothing but make me nauseous. I’ve been on it for almost a full month now, and I’m still bleeding. I talked to my manager at work and explained that I have a lot of health issues right now, and have no idea about the future as far as pain and bleeding and all of that. They told me that I could quit and have it put in my record that I left for health reasons, and could come back whenever. I decided that was the best thing I could do at the moment. It sucks because I really enjoyed the work, but I’m sure that they are going to be throwing different medicines out there for me to take, and I get to deal with side effects. Plus, I missed being home with my son. 

I am not knocking any moms or dads out there that work. But I feel that the best job in the world for me is mommy. I’ve been home with him since he was born. Yes, he has stayed with my mom a few times while adjusting to meds for postpartum, and some other things along the way. But I have yet to meet anyone that hasn’t had some help along the way of parenting. And my son is ecstatic that he gets mommy back. M is even ok with it, which surprised me at first.

Speaking of M, we got some time to talk over the weekend, because my son went to see his grandma who finally had a couple days off in a row. We talked about a lot of things and I told him I was tired of the way things were, so we both agreed to quit making the relationship about ourselves, and make it about each other. We were both falling into the what’s in it for me territory. I know me personally, had days where I didn’t do things for him out of spite that he hadn’t done things for me. 

I can’t say that it is going to be easy, or even that it will last long, but I made this commitment to him, and I refuse to have a revolving door of guys in my son’s life. I also have had some spanking time in, and quite a bit of sex too. So yay me lol.